Help! Need advice 20/F in $B relationship w/ 57/M

About 9 months ago I F/20 (19 at the time) met M/57 on seeking arrangements. In the beginning it was fun and spontaneous, thinking about it more as an exciting job where I get to do extravagant things I can’t usually do AND get paid for it. Over time we got more close and I started saying “ILY” and agreed to “date” (there was still the financial part but we were “exclusive” unless it was together or talked about first) Seeing it as a form of SW made me think it was ok. I’m pretty sure the first 3 months I was extremely manic and over time the reality kind of set in that I signed up for A LOT. Over time I began to feel more and more ashamed of our relationship. Weird looks in public, comments from friends. I ended up being in a place where I feel like I cant talk to anyone fully about the situation (ik I need a therapist, currently working on getting a better one)

Anyways…

The other week I cheated on him w another “client”. I knew he was going to say no so that’s why I didn’t ask. I ended up telling him a couple days after cuz I thought it was the right thing to do. That day I told him, he was a mess (which is totally fair people are entitled to their feelings). We sat in silence for a long time, occasionally he would curl up in a ball and kick his legs while sobbing, say he lost his will, or that I should pray that he dies before he takes me out as his beneficiary (which I didn’t ask to be in the first place). We talked on the phone the following week but it was mostly just crying. Yesterday he came over and took me to work which was mostly fine… Til he picked me up. I hurt my leg so he let me stay in the car while he ran inside a fast food place to get sumn quick. He came back and was upset I was on seeking (he knows I’ve been on it our entire relationship, I just wasn’t supposed to have sex w anyone). We go back to mine and I kind of shut down. He was upset saying I don’t love him and that he could’ve given me everything. He grabbed all his stuff and headed out the door around midnight. I stopped him outside and told him the way we are both handling this is toxic. I convinced him to come back inside to mine. We wake up today (Valentine’s Day) and it’s crying all over again (trust me I was also doing some of the crying💀) we go out to breakfast and I see he messaged me on seeking (he deactivated his account when we got together) which I didn’t know he reactivated. I know for a fact he hung out w someone from the app for drinks a couple days ago but I’m not going to bring it up unless he tells me. It definitely bothered me but I know I can’t say too much cuz I cheated. After breakfast we get in the car and he had another one of his tantrums, grabbing his chest and kicking his legs saying he’s going to die.

I know that if I was watching from the outside I’d say to get out as quickly as possible. Ik the age gap is BAD. But everyone else I’ve met that knows him loves him and thinks he’s a great guy. He’s done nothing but shower me with love. And the cheating made me withdraw and I feel bad because he didn’t rlly do anything wrong. Anyways am I fucking crazy? And how do I break things off without it being an absolute catastrophe and have him heart broken?

I wanted to be treated like an adult but I feel like this relationship is not letting live a normal 20 year old life and have freedom.

Not my fav Valentine’s Day 🫠