hey guys I need some advice

this story is so confusing I hope I can make it make sense.

Background, I am a very emotional, clingy person and I've gone through tremendous amount of trauma and emotional distress throughout these long 15 years (I say acting like I lived a long life). I have this tendency to latch on to people strong, like marriage license, first born child name website crazy (of course I don't tell them that's stupid but it's in my mind. I've actually planned dates with people that didn't even know it).

Okay so I think that's all for background but let's begin.

I met someone at a party. We went to the same school and we're friends with the same people. He's such a sweetheart, he and I talk for hours on end, and we just get a long so well. I got really close with him and I told myself I can't like him (to spare any questions, he's bisexual). It's been almost 2 months of every day talking and honestly life's great. he's helped me so much. TW, >! he doesn't even know it but he talked me out of self-reseting, and self inflicted harm!< I genuinely cannot imagine a life without this guy and he's my bestfriend and life was great.

UNTIL NOT.

My stupid self HADDD to develop feelings for him. I told myself I won't. We have an age gap of 3 years and if you do the math, that puts him at 18. Now to make sure we're all on the same page, no there's no grooming, or anything like that, we are really close friends and he's never like that. Also, the age gap it is, is legal in my country, but of course it's morally wrong. There's so many layers to why we can't, like how this guys an actual goddess and Im bottom of the barrel mentally unwell, and no one's perfect but a huge problem is my body dismorphia and overal self hatred puts me so low into the depths. My friends all think he's perfect for me (which is a huge deal because they have never once agreed on someone who's 'good enough for me', yet every single one agreed)

And then obviously it's me so there HAS to be more. He met someone online (brother our neighborhoods are divided by one popular street but I digress).

so many strands to this and I actually don't know what to do. I'm also slowly coming out as gay to everyone bit-by-bit so I'm also stressed on that.

And before I get cancelled and judged, I know I can't like him but he's just ugh (gay panic).

What should I do? I cannot tell him that, and we're supposed to see a movie next weekend (everyone thinks it's date but I don't think so), and I'd honestly wait 3 years for him because he's just literally perfect.

My advice I'm asking is, any way to shut those feelings down? or ugh I just hate life and my brain chemistry.

that's all, sorry for the long post 🥹