I think my sexuality changed drastically

Hi, I hope this fits the subreddit, this post will be a total word salad and I apologize in advance. I'm a cis adult woman who is a bit androgynous in gender expression and literally overnight my sexuality completely changed

Also this will get quite raunchy and TMI, I go into detail about sexual fantasies.

Towards the end there's some strong internalized homo/lesbophobia.

I've never been attracted to girls and, to be frank, (other people's) vaginas disgusted me. I'm a virgin, never been in a relationship, most of what I know gets me off comes from porn. I always fantasized about straight sex but the partners were more like faceless bodies than actual people, honestly I'm not sure if I've ever found random men online attractive beyond "yep that's a human alright", their genitals were the hottest thing. The only times I've imagined sex with an actual man rather than a concept is if I've known them personally and have at least a friendship between us (these rare moments were during ovulation so I guess it can be chalked up to hormones)

As for romantic feelings, I did have crushes growing up since very young, exclusively on boys. Blushing, butterflies, wanting to cuddle, allat. Even one serious crush that i definitely wanted to develop beyond friendship (though its for the best it never happened). With girls though? Maybe ONE half baked crush but thats it, never felt deeper or particularily special than the others

This brings us up to very recently.

Like a light switch, on a random tuesday so to say, everything I feel internally flipped to the other side.

I find myself VERY attracted to the same sex, and VERY repulsed to the opposite.

I want a woman physically. It's like a craving. They just turn me on so much I can't even focus on porn involving men, and when I do its more in the way that I like watching the woman getting fucked. Even the faceless concept seems to be solved since women are prettier than men, its part of the charm

As for an actual relationship? Even that seems dreamy now. I'm not even imagining actual romantic scenarios, my brain is just going "mmm woman" over and over again and my chest feels warm. If i try to imagine this with a man it feels like a barrier in my chest which was absolutely not the case before.

Am I a lesbian and just realizing this at my big age? If so, how is it possible that I've been only interested in boys/men up until this point? I'm not oblivious to this stuff, I've questioned before and came up with nothing, the most I was attracted to the same sex was while drunk off my ass which doesen't count cause that makes me attracted to anyone available.

Am i bisexual and just very fixated on women at the moment since it's a new thing? Will i circle back to also liking men once I've explored this part of myself long enough?

I'm also neurodivergent (adhd, not sure if anything else) and I can get laser focused on a problem sometimes, to the point nothing and no one else matters around me. On top of that, I dont always recognize what I'm feeling. I spent a good portion of my life ostracized and alone so I fear it might be a case of "i have feelings for you" "the feeling was friendship, but neither of them have actually experienced it" (when it comes to men).

Most of my friendships have been and still are with men because we simply clicked better, should that have been an obvious sign?

I'm really hoping I turn out to be bisexual. I don't want to be exclusively lesbian. I don't want that for myself. I don't want people to see me that way and I don't want to "prove right" the people who suspected me of being gay because I don't fit the neat little box assigned to my gender.

I also fear that everything I've felt for men up to this point has just been really strong friendship. I imagined marriage and sometimes co-parenting. I liked their masculine features and 'feeling like a woman'.

I'm thinking about how I don't feel anything anymore for that guy I was very invested in, and I'm thinking of girls I've met throughout my life

And ultimately I despise that "lesbian" feels right but also dirty. Again, the problem for me isn't attraction to women itself, it's attraction ONLY to women. Was everything up until this point a fucking delusion? Immaturity?

Thank you for taking the time to read this. It's not phrased in a sensitive way at all, but its how I feel about myself.

If anyone can relate to this experience, PLEASE tell me how things turned out for you. I'm desperate, it's driving me up the fucking wall and I feel like my life silently fell apart overnight.