‘31 F’ and ‘38 M’ Is it Time To Let Go?

March 13th 2024 I went on a date with a man(36)from hinge. At the time I was 29. I am now 31 and he is 38.

I had been single for a year after ending an engagement with a sheriff deputy who ended up assaulting me drunkenly.

At this time, I was feeling really good about myself, I was happy and I felt ready to give dating a shot.

On our date we just talked and never stopped talking. It was an instant connection. We stayed at the bar till close and he gave me a kiss that felt different from anything I’ve ever felt with anyone. The communication, energy, the physical attraction was there and there was no doubt about it. It became addicting. During the date we learned a lot about each other. He was divorced, had been for a year, I am his first relationship outside of that marriage..

we continued seeing each other.. around May I asked THE QUESTION “What are we”, “What are we doing”?. Mind you, I have never spent the time we were spending with anyone and not been in a relationship… he was coming over all the time, around my son, staying the night, we grilled, listened to RNB, danced, drank, hung out with my friends, I was taking him to parties with me, he met everyone in my life.. his answer to my question was no we aren’t together, I don’t know what I want.

Me being me, which is a single mother, living in the state of Michigan completely alone, doing everything on my own, while working full time, and taking classes.. I feel I don’t have time for my feelings to be played with. Either you’re with me or you’re not. We’re not sitting here playing house for no reason. So, i decided to voice my opinions about that. I told him that the way he’s treating me and the things he’s saying aren’t adding up. I said that was fake, I called him an actor. He freaked out and said I was being disrespectful by calling him fake..

I think a month passed and I brought it up again and he just yelled at me. He said I should know we are together because he’s always around, it’s something that goes without saying.. I was shocked at the outburst but happy to hear we were together.. but damn. Am I supposed to read minds?

Time went on.. we kept having conversations. One being about deal breakers within relationships. I said cheating is my #1 dealbreaker. He said everyone cheats, I don’t but everyone does. I don’t put it past anyone so cheating is the lowest thing on my totem pole as far as dealbreakers and said disrespect was his dealbreaker. After saying this he looked at me and told me I had disrespected him already by calling him an actor and he shouldn’t be with me but he “Let it slide”.

We had more talks.. I told him that I trust him and asked if he was going to hurt me because could feel myself falling in love with him. He told me I shouldn’t trust him, that I shouldn’t trust anyone ever. He also said he doesn’t know if he’ll hurt me because he cannot predict the future. I just cried. I didn’t understand why he’d even say that. Like shut up and stop talking so much. He’s a realist. He is very black and white and tends to look at everything differently than most. He is kind at debating but never backs down. He says people have to make it make sense to him for him to change his mind about things…

Time progressed.. it was August. I went for my annual pap at the obgyn and a week later was told I had chlamydia. Never in my life have I ever had anything.. and in my early 20s, I used to get busy. I had a time. But this? I was absolutely SHOCKED. I immediately called him and asked whom he’s been sleeping with.. he said no one.. he said he is sorry but he must’ve gotten it from his ex wife.. last time they had sex was in January 2024. He said I needed to make a decision on what I wanted to do right then and there because he wasn’t about to keep going back and forth about it. Either I’m choosing to move past this, believe him, or walk away from him. I chose to stay. I have always questioned it in my head but to this day he swears it had to be from his ex wife..

September came.. I had a kayaking trip planned with friends and a bbq planned after at their house. Early that morning a love interest I’d met back in July 2023 who abruptly moved to California for a job in September 2023 messaged me saying he wasn’t back.. I was very curious. Since my boyfriend said he wasn’t going to be able to make it to the bbq I told the love interest to come because he wasn’t friends with all my friends and none of us had seen him in a year..

on my way home from kayaking, my BF called me saying he wasn’t indeed coming. INSTANT PANIC. I told love interest my Bf was coming. My bf and I showed up to the BBQ and it was a great night. I pretended I don’t know love interest the whole time and we were all doing shots together, laughing, having a ball. All while my friends were looking at me in disbelief as to how well this was going.. I was drunk and I had BF drive us home in my car. I get a call and the number pops up on my car stereo and it’s Love Interest.. I quickly denied the call and deleted it from my log. My Bf asked who it was and I played dumb and said idk.. this started a riot. He ended up leaving that night. After he left I hit Love Interest up and he came over and we hung out all weekend visiting my friends and having a time. As Sunday came, I blocked love interest and contacted my BF. He again questioned me about the call.. I told him it was someone else.. he had a feeling it was love interest in which he had no backstory of love interest and no clue about our past. I kept denying it…

October 1st came, we broke up. I just felt I couldn’t trust him no matter how bad I wanted to.. in a text exchange that turned heated I decided to let it all off on him. I told him about himself. I just basically told him how much of a bum he is for his age.. I said very foul things.. He left me alone as I quickly regretted everything and didn’t want it to end. For months I reached out. Him not wanting to talk to me, but I kept trying.

After our break up.. love interest and I started hanging out with a group of friends all the time, never alone. Honestly he was different from when I originally met him. I thought he was weird. So we maintained a friendship. But we also started having casual sex.. time progressed, it was January and love interest and I started dating.. not even a week later I found out he was talking in rave Facebook groups looking for women who went to shows that he could meet up with. One of these women added him on snap and I caught on from being the detective I am it wasn’t hard. I snatched his phone, read the messages, screamed, smashed his phone, and kicked him out.

A couple days later my ex agreed to come see me. It was like old times. It felt so good, so comfortable, i felt happy.. An hour goes by, love interest walks in my house randomly and sees me and my ex sitting on the couch… This is the moment my ex realized love interest is who I had been talking to, same person from the BBQ he suspected had called me.. AWKWARD.

After love interest walked out, I was lectured by my ex for a few hours.. a week later, my ex was around again. Everything was back to being us. We would be having the greatest of times and he’d randomly look at me and say “Hey, I just want you to know that we will never be more than what we are right now”. Meanwhile we had this agreement that we’d tell one another if we decided to date, talk, have sex with anyone else.. so in my head it’s everything a relationship is without the title.. this sanded from March-May. In between that time we were doing everything together, we went to our friends wedding together, we did everything together. Then of course he’d remind me “This will never be anything”. Actions didn’t match up enough for me to truly believe that…

One night, night before Memorial Day 2025 we spent all night with another friend couple playing games, drinking, having a ball. In the morning again, he reminded me this isn’t that..

After he left I went to my girls house, invited friends and also let it be known it’s cool for love interest to come. I did that with the intent to have sex with this man. I felt hurt and like I’d never be loved by my ex ever, and like he was just sitting here in my face wasting my time so I was sick of it, I retaliated because I wasn’t being chosen and I stayed so solid for him without having promises of anything..

I told my ex what I did after a week went by and I got to see him again. The only reason I told him was because, when he came over, we were talking and drinking. He looked at me and said “I had sex with someone else”. I just looked at him in disbelief and started crying. I just kept asking “did you, did you really”? He said yes multiple times.. one final time of me asking and him answering yes, I looked at him, smacked the cup out of his hand and began swinging at him. In turn, he put me on the floor, got on top of me and told me “I didn’t have sex with anyone. This was a test to see if you could control your emotions and you failed”. Immediately I was back to being angry and I told him what I had done on Memorial Day.. we didn’t talk again till August. We both had started seeing other people. My friend invited him to his birthday party.. as soon as I got there max instant connection back up and running. We continued to see each other with the agreement we’d still be seeing the people we were seeing. I instantly became disinterested with the person I was seeing so I stopped. All I ever wanted was my ex. I asked if he was still talking to the girl and he said yes… though he was with me everyday… don’t make sense. Later on found out that was not the case. He stopped talking to her as soon as we got back in tune with each other but would never allow me to know that. He didn’t want me feeling as if I had all of him…

Once again, it was back to him being around consistently, us being us, doing everything together.. so I ask what are we doing. He again, said this will never go any further. So I freaked out again and fought him. Ended up on my front lawn at night time. He never put hands on me ever.. let me get that out there. He never would. I did though.. after my outburst is when he told me he hadn’t talked to that girl in months…

After that, we took “some” time.

October 30th he came to my son’s 12th birthday party and met my son’s dad who’s from Texas. We live in Michigan btw… it went great.. we all stayed up till 4am talking. Though it was him telling my son’s dad the reasons we won’t work.. etc etc.. ever since that day, the whole month of November 2025 was incredible. We were closer than ever, he was there every day, every night, again we were doing everything together… you could tell it was different. I asked what are we.. he said his stance hadn’t changed.. even though we both knew it had. So I said I was done. I just couldn’t build myself to have these strong feelings again to be let down and I am so in love with this man as it is it just hurts me so so bad to hear that from his mouth…

The next day I contacted him asking to talk.. he said no, I made a decision.. for days after that he said no..

I lost control and got pissed.. I told him that this was the last time he’s going to hurt my feelings.. I told him that I’m going to hurt his and I’m going to make sure he feels it…

I ended up sending him a 1 minute video of me having sex from the back with someone. I told him it was a friend of his even though I’d never met any of his friends.. this was early December.. on a Wednesday. By Friday he was back at my house. He stayed with me for days.. what I had done I quickly regretted, it made me feel terrible about myself. After doing it, I decided I needed help. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 in January and I also started therapy. I am not the person who made that decision, I think about it and I am embarrassed and sick. It got bad to the point where I tried taking my life… I don’t succeed and he was there for me through it.

Right now.. it is very rocky. He has still been around a lot. We have good moments and bad moments. He says he can’t move passed this and doesn’t know if he ever will be able to.

He has started accusing me for everything.. things like moving his towel, or moving his bar of soap, or me wearing makeup when he isn’t around.. it’s getting to be overwhelming..

we both every week it seems say we are done but we’re never done. I want to make it work and he says he’s unsure if he can see it working..

I am holding out hope.

When we are good we are so good. It’s addicting.. he literally spent the night last night, I made dinner, we watched a movie, laid next to each other, woke up this morning kissing and having sex..

I just want to know if this is repairable or something I should let go…

I have tried letting go, I’ve tried dating, nothing works. I can’t allow myself to be emotionally connected to anyone else. Or even open to it. Every time I have tried talking to someone else it feels like I have to force myself to be interested and I’m just always with him.. I love him so much.

Please help… yes I know it’s toxic.