33 and just feeling my inadequacies really hard lately.

It’s not even bc of Vday, this has just been eating at me for a few weeks, where ordinarily I kind of don’t mind it? Usually I just accept my life is what it is. I can enjoy my job and my hobbies and stuff, but not lately. I’ve been “locked out” of so many things in life and that’s just been eating at me a lot for no reason.

Weirdly, I’ve been wondering what it’s like to smoke pot even though I used to have a snooty attitude and look down on people who did (I don’t like the idea of something that makes me feel…not like myself? Act loopy and dumb? And yet here I am,curious about it) I can’t do it nowadays bc my career field does drug testing so I can’t even try till my fucking 50s or something! Locked out. And I was thinking how it’s another typical “youth” experience I just didn’t have. People either ignored me or looked at me like a leper in high school, in college guys called me fat and unfuckable to my face, so my fat ass was not invited to any parties. Locked out. I didn’t drink even on my own bc I was scared of acting crazy or weird while drunk. I didnt make one friend or go on one single date. I wouldn’t even know what to say or how to act on date. And across all my life I never got hit on once, not even by creepy old men, ever.

Also, I have vaginismus meaning penetration is unbearably painful for me, Pap smears and my own fingers make me scream in pain, I’ve never used a toy because I’m so scared of the pain, so even if I magically had a partner my body can’t enjoy sex anyway. Locked out of enjoying sex.

A while back my mom told me she was a “party girl” and did smoke pot in college and I almost wanted to cry hearing it, bc whydid she get have that experience while I am THIS? When I look back on all the things i was excluded from or couldn’t do because I was unattractive, I feel such intense shame I can barely stand it. I don’t know any other woman who was locked out from fucking everything like me. It hurts so much to think between all these things I never had a chance in hell to live a normal woman’s experience.