I genuinely can’t move on

Was in a toxic relationship around a year ago, add a couple months maybe- Doesn’t matter.

For a year, and PREVIOUS years, I haven’t been able to forget about this girl. We first dated around 3 years ago, broke up after a couple months, talked on and off, then dated again and broke up quickly around christmas time 2024.

She cheated on me, constantly lied, went to another guy for comfort and hid him from me.

Her parents heavily dislike me because I upset her when we first dated after we broke up (she got heavily depressed) although she was the one to break things off while I tried my best to keep things together.

She lied to me about how her parents felt, and I was set up for failure from the start. That, or she never really tried to make an effort to tell them I made her happy.

Cut to a couple months later, we talk again while I was deep in depression, drugs, loneliness, etc.

It was shady of me to do this, but I pretended to be someone off of a fake phone number, pretending to be a friend of mine.

I got to her to be comfortable around this identity, and I learned that all of the comforting stuff she said to me was a lie, or what I wanted to hear.

She said she didn’t care if I killed myself or not, overdosed, went to a hospital, she was extremely worried that if I did that, she would get affected from it. (She wants to be a doctor, and obsessed over school)

She thought since she would be related to me, or texts would be seen where she degraded, humiliated or hurt me, that she would be tied to my death and her career and schooling would go in the gutter.

I then ALSO learned that she hated my body during our relationship, humiliated me for my dick size.

Exclaimed about things I constantly tried to help her with while she said I didn’t.

She also told many lies to the number I had set up (I was still pretending) and she made me out to be a loser, creep, worthless person.

After a night of speaking to her as the other person, I felt extremely crushed and went on an insane bender.

7-8 months later, i’ve gotten a little better.

But she’s constantly on my mind.

I’m hypersexual so I have fantasized about some things, because my brain likes to turn my painful trauma into anything I can gain pleasure or control over, although at the end of all of it, it’s painful.

But no even that, I just feel so betrayed still, and hopeless.

I’m sick of being lonely but also sick of being in relationships.

She is not my first Rodeo either lol.

I come here open to any advice, ideas, helpful ways to distract myself in a healthy way or something. I’m getting kind of desperate.