I need to know if I'm alone

TW: suicidal ideation, sexual trauma, maybe abuse?

This is not CSA, but I imagine this would be triggering for any victims so proceed with caution. For my whole childhood I had severe anxiety. Even as a baby, I was very anxious. In kindergarten I unfortunately discovered that moving a certain way against a chair felt good. I didn't know what sex or masturbation or any of that was. I dont know how to explain it but it wasnt sexual. I did it when I would start feeling overwhelmed, including in class, usually when normal dissociating wasn't cutting it. It's mortifying. I went to an orthodox jewish school and they were horrified and disgusted. They would yell at me and humiliate me and get me in trouble. I didn't understand why. I could see the revulsion in their eyes and it scared me a lot which only made me more anxious which only made the behavior worse. It became a compulsion that made me hate myself and had me constantly punished and yelled at and shamed. I would daydream about suicide from a very young age because of it, though I didn't have the words for it. I spent most of my childhood inside my brain, but sometimes it wasn't enough. I was directly told I would never make friends because of it by the school psychiatrist. the behavior lasted my whole childhood until I discovered what sex and masturbation was at like 11. I was horrified and that got me to stop. It eats me up. I hate my childhood self, but pity her at the same time. I feel disgusted and like I'm permanently tainted and dirty. This wrongness is built into who I am and I can't undo it. I feel so alone in this as I don't even know how to label this sort of trauma. I wasn't sexually abused, but it gave me sexual trauma. I did this to myself and I wish the school just killed me instead rather than forcing me to live with this shame permanently tattooed on my forehead and embedded in my skin.

I need to know if I'm alone in this or how to label this.