Keep wishing I could fix things

This might be a long one. My ex wife and I got divorce finalized a few months ago. It was the right thing to do. I’m gonna start from the beginning so you have context and the. You can tell me if I’m the piece of shit. My pride won’t let me accept 100% responsibility… yet. Maybe. If you have an opinion please share but also I’m sorry if this post triggers anyone who has been abused. Please be careful with your response because I am a person and am trying to build myself back up. I don’t need you tearing me down.

When I was 19 I got a job as a prison guard, I worked there for about a year and a half. Made some friends on shift and we would go out all the time. One of the supervisors was a part of the group but he was very religious so he didn’t go out with us on our off days. One day he decided to and brought his wife. Eventually they kind of loosened up and we started having game nights/parties at their house frequently. One night I got pretty lit and they said I could crash there so I didn’t have to drive. Everyone else had left and it was just the three of us on the couch playing halo. Me and her were drunk (he didn’t ever drink much) and she was being flirty with me but I was drunk and her husband was right there so I didn’t think too much of it. Later on they went to bed, and something told me she was gonna come back out and make a move. She did. In a bathrobe, she sat real close and asked if I wanted to kiss her. I said you’re married and your husband is literally 50 ft from us with the door open. She said they had been talking about her being with someone else for a while and she decided she wanted it to be me. At the time I had never even considered her as an option because she was married but all of a sudden I was like…. Man. She’s really pretty. So I went through with it against my own morals. That turned into a few months of us messing around. I eventually transferred locations at work for a pay raise but got fired after a while because I was young and dumb and fell asleep on shift. Not a big deal. Didn’t like the job anyways. But I had to break the lease on my apartment and they offered to let me stay with them. I payed some rent and baby sat for them, he worked night shift so while he was gone we would do our thing. But of course eventually it fell apart. I thought they had a strong marriage and we weee just having fun, but eventually she starts telling me how abusive he is, and how he forced her to do this by pressuring her for years. Starts saying she doesn’t want to be with him and loves me. I consistently told her I didn’t think we’d work out and that they should try to work it out, but then I saw a few things happen and started encouraging her to leave. I was ambivalent about us being together as she had two kids and was 6 years older than me. The whole thing blew up after a while. He held me at gun point one night and told me to leave, turns out they were fighting about me behind the scenes. He had been wanting the whole thing to end and she was refusing. Long story short she leaves him. After a couple of months of me not knowing weather I wanted to make it happen with her I made the decision to stay with her. We moved in together and I started working a couple of jobs to try and provide. At this point I was really playing house because I grew up with parents who did not provide a great example of marriage or homemaking. She went to work as well and we tried to make it happen. For a bout a year we lived together and worked, but we fought constantly. She didn’t want me doing anything without her. She would say “why can’t you just want me only” etc if I wanted to go do something with a friend or something. She wouldn’t even let me go see my family without her, and when she came she would drum up drama and start a fight. “You didn’t look at me when we were all laughing, you don’t love me” “I don’t trust your friends and family not to bad mouth me when I’m not around so I don’t want you around them when I’m not there” I eventually just stopped seeing all the people I love because it was too stressful. We would argue and argue and I would get fed up and try to leave and she would grab me, slap, scratch and tear my clothes to keep me from leaving. But if I did leave it would be for a couple days and the. We would make up. Eventually I start reacting to her getting physical by getting physical to. I wouldn’t beat her up or anything but shoving, wrestling etc. it was constant. Every week or every other week we’d fight and break up kid and make up.

Eventually I got a job in pipeline construction and had to go out of town for work. After a month she said she couldn’t handle being long distance so we got an apartment 7 hours from our hometown and lived there while I worked. I proposed during that time because we weren’t fighting nearly as much. We didn’t have any friends or family to distract us so we were all about each other and really got close.

Oh and also the sex was amazing. Or at least for me it was. I had only recently lost my virginity when we started this whole thing so I was hooked. Probably one of the major reasons I kept coming back.

Fast forward a few months and that job ended, we stuck around till the end of the lease because I had made plenty of mkney and literally just hung out for a month. Eventually we came back to our area and moved in with her mom for a few months while I looked for a local job, (she didn’t want to keep moving and was definitely no longer ok with me traveling for work. I guess she was afraid I would fall and my penis would land inside someone else idk) but while at her mom’s house we go out with a friend of mine, and get plastered. She ends up inviting a threesome between us which doesn’t really work out because we are all drunk and we end up just agreeeing to blame it on the alcohol and forget it happened. Except the next day she starts blaming me saying I forced her into it, and she was uncomfortable the whole time. Which is ridiculous considering she was the one who made it happen and I had never had a desire to have a 2M1F three way. It blew up we fought. Broke up. And made up. Same as the past. The old habits came back. We rented a house, and eventually got married. Live at that house for 7 years. We fought harder and harder. I found it harder and harder not to retaliate when she put her hands on me. Eventually we just got into fights. Once again I wouldn’t hit her, but it was still abusive in both directions. I’d get home from work and be exhausted and go take a shower and she’d demand that I immediately begin helping her with the kids and household chores, even to the point where she’d rip the shower curtain off the wall and start hitting me in the shower, so I shaved her against the wall. It escalated to the point where I am ashamed of my actions, but like it said my pride won’t let me accept 100% responsibility. We would break each others things. Shove each other. She would slap me, hit me. But she always said it wasn’t wrong for her because it “didn’t really hurt me”. Eventually I started escalating. I would just lose my shit and break things. One time I knocked her down and dragged her by her hair through the house. I dot. Remember now why I did that (not that anything would justify it) but it was after a full day of fighting.

At one point she confessed that she had slept with someone else back when we first moved in together. Had a one night stand with some dude at a bar (which is another thing. She was allowed to go out with her friends and stuff but I wasn’t). And she never told me about it because it was during one of those weekends when we were “broken up”. That hurt a lot. Especially considering I had been beating myself up for things like watching porn, or seeing attractive women in public. She would constantly start public drama if she saw someone she thought was prettier than her in public, even I I didn’t even see them, and was adamant that looking at porn was EXACTLY the same thing as cheating with another person. But al the stress and anxiety pushed me more towards that. It was a viscious cycle. We were in and out of counseling. It was hell. I would go to counseling for months and she would say I wasn’t making any progress. But she would see a therapist for 4 weeks and all of a sudden she was a new person and I was no longer allowed to bring up anything she did before that because she did the work and now is better.

Fast forwrd to 2019, we have been together for 7-8 years now, and I want to have a kid. But she always says she wants to but doesn’t trust that I won’t leave. But eventually I tell her look I’m almost 30. I love you but if you dont want a kid with me I’m gonna have to go find someone who does. So we get pregnant. We are happy. Life is great. Then I got let go from my job. And on the same day when I get home from that meeting, I get a call from my grandma. My dad has receive a terminal diagnoses, two weeks to live. My world spiraled. We got into and argument and I slept on the couch that night. In the morning she comes in and starts attacking me because I looked at porn that night, she keeps hitting me and hitting me and I finally lost it and grabbed her and pushed her down on the couch but she still wouldn’t stop so I slapped her I. The side of the head. Yep. That’s right. I slapped a pregnant woman. Go ahead and ream me. I know I deserve it.

She kicked me out of the house after that, I spent the rest of the pregnancy stay in g with a friend. I decided to reach out to a girl I had cut off when me and my wife started dating because she didn’t like how close we were. We had been best friends (or at least I was her best friend. I was in love with her in high school but got friend zoned) I never was able to let go of her mentally though. So we started talking platoniclaly. I thought that my wife and I were finished so I figured what the harm. But eventually we made up and she found out I was talking to her again and made me quit. Then my son was born. I moved back in to the house right before the birth. He was born and everything was right with the world. We were happy. For a month. The covid hit. Lockdown. Our landlord sold our house and we were asked to move out so the new owner could renovate. We were on a month to month basis because our lease ended after the first year and we never signed another long term lease so they could legally not renew. Luckily her mom had a friend with vacant rent house so we actually upgraded a bit. We stayed there for 3 years. And things were good. Not perfect. But better than they had been in the past.

We still fought. And by this time I couldn’t control my anger when we did. We didn’t get physical anymore, but I would throw tantrums and break stuff. I was so stressed and anxiety riddled from everything we’d been through I just couldn’t break the pattern. Fast forward 3 years. New landlord, MIL friend, asks us to move out because her daughter got married and wants to live in that house now. So we find another house in the same neighborhood available for rent. Move in. Things go downhill. The next part I tend to blame on a new anxiety medication, I know I made the choice but I have no explanation for my actions other than I was put on anti anxiety meds and maybe they affected me because we had a small arguemrnt I don’t even remember about what but I got fed up, pushed her to the ground and choked her for about three 3-5 seconds. I didn’t want to hurt her. I just couldn’t argue anymore. This was the first time I had gotten physical with her without it being a reaction to her doing it first. I was ashamed. I went to counseling. People at work were noticing that something was up with me. Idk what to do but I keep trying to do better, be better and nothing seems to make a difference to her. We had good times of course but I just can’t ever seem to be up to her standard. I’m working full time, trying to handle my share of household duties. When I’m home I’m taking care of the kids. She has a part time job working from home but I don’t get to see what she does with the money. She controls all the finances. She says I go out to eat too much when I have access so I don’t even get access to the money I earn.

So fast forward to New Year’s Eve 2024. We have plans to go to my sisters for a New Year’s party but I have to work New Year’s. I told both of them the party is tentative because I might get stuck at work, or get sick. (I have some chronic illness issues, that cause me to get migraines that take me out of duty frequently) and when the day of arrives lo and behold, that’s exactly what happens. I tell my wife I can’t go but she should go have fun, I can’t make the two hour drive and hang out all night. she begs me to come wants me to be there, and says she’ll pack my bag, she’ll drive (which is amazing considering she’s got that “passenger princess” attitude and literally tells me if demasulates me in her mind if she has to drive. Also if I don’t sit on the aisle side of the pew at church. Random I know but that one caught me off guard.) And she says I can sleep otw there. She won’t take no for an answer so I cave. So we go. She packs my bag. She drives. I try to sleep. But she’s playing music the whole time so I can’t. I start talking to my stepson, we get into the subject of UFOs which for some reason pissed her off. She was tired of hearing me talk about that. So she starts being rude and snapping at me. So I just shutup for the rest of the ride. When we get to my sisters I go take a nap since I could sleep. I wake up around 11 and they have all gone to a neighbors house for the party which was the plan. I’m feeling a lot better and so I go too. We have fun we drink. It was a good night. But the next day we are all exhausted and she starts picking at me. Saying that everyone at the party thought that I was an asshole because I made jokes at her expense (like “ I wish someone would tell my wife that” when someone said something, and a couple of other things like that) I consulted my sister and she was like…. No. No one thought you were an asshole, and nobody thought you were downing your wife. Everyone liked you. So I decide to go back to sleep since she is grinding me gears. She diecides it’s time to go and wakes me up to pack the car. I’m pissed at this point because I’ve been trying to sleep and they keep making tons of noise so I snap at her and tell her that she can pack the car herself. It’s a couple of pillows and a couple of bags. Now she’s livid. She packs the car and when I get in she’s put all my stuff in the trunk. (Like traveling stuff. Water bottle, next pillow, etc.) I ask where it is and she says if you wanted it you should have packed the car. I get out to get my stuff and walk around to open the hatch, and she puts the car in reverse and hits me. Not like guns it, but starts backing up, with the passenger door open, and hits me hard enough to cause pain but no bruising and pushes me 5-6 feet while I’m banging on the window. She finally stopped and I opened the hatched and start throwing everything out. Getting my stuff I tell her I’m staying here I’m cursing. Because I’m pissed and she gets out and attacks me, punches me, slaps me, and pushed me, I stumble back and tripe hitting my head o the hatch back hard enough to cause a small lump, but I know I CANNOT retaliate anymore. So I go inside and tell my sister I’m staying for a while. She follows me and is yelling and screaming to which my sister tells her to leave because she’s not doing this shit in front of her kids again. She leaves and I tell my sister what happened. About an hour later she calls and asks if she can come get me and we will talk to a counselor about it. Up to this point she’s been reusing to do couples counseling for the past couple years citing that she did her part in therapy and I need to do the work now. I had cooled off enough and I was just happy that she was willing to go to counseling. So I said yes. We didn’t talk all the way home. And I went to sleep as soon as we got there as my migraine never really went away. I wake up at 11 and she’s watching tv. I have to work the next day so I get up to pack my lunch, and am being overly loud with the cabinets and such so she confronts me and we get into it about the car jncident. She starts saying it didn’t happen. I am livid. I’m at the end of my rope. I start yelling. She starts recording me which makes it even worse. I tell her to just leave me alone. I’m making a lunch and going to bed and if she isn’t going to be honest just leave me alone and we can deal with it in counseling. She refuses. We argue for a bit, and I snap. I went and got my handgun and racked the slide and put it to my head and I tell her if she doesn’t leave me alone I’m going to shoot myself. She keeps talking. I pull the trigger far enough to where I don’t know if it’s going to go off. She finally stopped talking. But just stared at me with contempt. I guess I was hoping to see something else. Fear of losing me. Realization that I was on the edge. That she had done this to me maybe. Idk. It was a piss poor decision and it was very overtly manipulative. But I had been manipulated and twisted for so long I didn’t care at the time. After a few moments of silence I lowered the gun and she went outside. I disassembled the gun and put its peices in different places in the house, told her where it was and I left. 10 min later a get a call from my sister. She had sent her the video. Which to me was a desperate attempt to try and slander me not a cry for help. She sent a video of me threatening my self with a weapon to my sister, whose husband shot himself only a year or two before that. But I can concede that maybe she really was just worried. Idk.

The next day I filed to take a leave of absence from work. Her mom let me stay at her house, and I was planning to be off for about a month. It took longer to get back to work because of paperwork though so I was off for about a month and a half. My wife was pissed because now she has to cover the bills. I went to another counselor but my insurance was lapsed since I wasn’t working so I couldn’t afford d long term. I was fully ready to divorce. But after the month and a half the old longing for her came back so started making moves to reconcile, but she was different now. Much more distant and cold. But I worked at it for a few months and asked if I could move back in. She didn’t want me to but eventually she let me. That was the biggest mistake I’ve made yet. It was fine for about four months. And then one day it wasn’t.

It was a Sunday. Her sons were at their dad’s house so it was just her me and our son. We decided to go to Sam’s, just to have something to do. ( that was one of our things.) but it was packed. And I was anxious in crowds. We were waiting in line for pizza and she started being really mean. She didn’t like that I was being anxious instead of paying attention to her. We got into an arguemrnt. I was instigating that we just talk about whatever it was that had gone south so quickly. We went from great day together straight back to square one. She refused to talk and kept being rude and snappy so I said if you’re going to treat me like this I’m gonna go sit in the car. I did. 20 min later she came out and we went home. We didn’t talk for the rest of the day. That evening she came to me on the couch trying the old “come on. You know you love me. Look at how cute I am” routine. But I had been processing what happened and I told her that I think the anxiety that I have is from all of the stress and crap from how she’s treated me in the past. That wasn’t all I said but that’s the gist of it. And her response was for me to take it to my counselor because, and I quote, “your feelings are not my problem”. I said that’s fine. You want me to deal with it alone, I will. But leave me alone till I do cuz I can’t be around you. She went to bed. I slept on the couch. The next day I woke up and decided to let it go and I hugged her with a big hug and said I was sorry can we move on from that. She said yes and hugged me back. But then before we let go she said that she thinks the real problem isn’t her treatment of me. She thinks that attractive women dressed provocatively in public make me uncomfortable, (that was something that happened at Sam’s. Were were in line and I saw a hot chick and immediately got tense. I didn’t stare or even linger because I’ve trained myself not to over the years since she’s so volatile about it). I said no. I told you last night what my problem is. It’s your jealousy, your. Control and manipulation. That sparked another fight. She said she was “going to work” which meant I’m going to our room, which I’m not allowed to enter while she is working. I followed her and said no we are doing this. She’s arguing and arguing. I finally get made and slapped her metal water bottle off her desk and across the room. She looks me in the eye with so much spite and said “you are so weak” and I snapped and open hand slapped her across the face. That was it. IMO that was the moment she had been looking for. I assaulted her with no provocation. She told me to leave and immediately had 911 on the phone. I left. But still got arrested. Charged. Spent 2 days in jail. She emptied my back account. It wasn’t much already but she took $1100 of my $1500 (I had taken her off my account when I moved to her moms house and literally that week she had forced me to put her back on it or she was done). She left enough for me to pay bail, which justified it in her mind. When I got out I spent 3 days living in my car. She refused to talk to me. She filed for a restraining order and divorce. Had a friend from her moms group who is a lawyer represent her. They spent the next year absolutely reaming me. She kept everything except my clothes and my personal effects. She move into another friends one bedroom garage apartment. I moved in with an old friend for a year. I was out on admin leave till I could deal with the charge, and spent the next 6 months trying to get a job, while her and her lawyer berated me for not having the money to pay child support or see my kid consistantly. ( the only option I had for housing was an hour away. I was donating plasma just to get gas money to come see him. And when I did she would berate me for using that money on myself instead of giving it to her. After six months I had a stroke of luck and a buddy of mine got me on a construction job making twice as much as I was making before so I started sending her $1900 a month in support. Didn’t make a difference. I still wanted to fix things. I just knew if I could say the right thing or make the right combination of romantic actions she would come back. But no. We divorced.

It’s been about a year and half since the arrest and the divorce finalized about 3-4 months ago. I was in therapy constantly for 6 months. Had to take battery intervention. anger management. But I’m in a much better place now. I got my own apartment. Eventually got back on at my old job, when the construction project ended. It’s not as much money but it’s close to my kid and pays enough to pay the bills even with child support deducted. But I guess the reason I wrote this all out is because I still have this deep urge to fix things. Logically I know I fucked up. I know we were not healthy and never were. But there’s just this overwhelming need to make it right. To win her back. But also, at the same time, there is a disgust and hatred at the thought of doing anything for her at all. So i end up being wishy washy. One moment in offering to help more and asking for more involvement and the next I’m trying to set boundaries and creat clear separation between us. I feel like she’s still trying to manipulate me. Saying she’s not coming back but maybe in a few years when I’ve done the work we can try again. But that she’s not going to wait for me. I really can’t even tell what the right thing to do here is. She says I need to to show up more (or she did when I was unable to come consistently) but when I ask her how. I can show up she basically says figure it out. But the only way she will suggest me showing up is by sending her more money than I’m required to and watching our son when she wants to go do something. I love the extra time with my son but it feels like she portrays it as a favor she’s doing for me rather than a mutually beneficial setup where she doesn’t have to find a sitter. And now I’m in a situation where I can’t really afford to send more money and she treats me like sending the required amount doesn’t even meet par. I guess I just want advice. Am I a piece of shit? Should I go all in on trying to repair this with no guaruntee she will ever reciprocate or even acknowledge my efforts? Or should I just accept that it was not a healthy relationship, we weren’t right for each other and move on trying to maintain as much of a role in my son’s life as possible ?