Advise - coming out?/finding out if he likes me?

(Sorry this is so long.) Context: I am 35M. I have had a hobby for a few years, and through that hobby I’ve come to know Alex, 30M. The hobby is a mixture of online and in-person, so I only actually see Alex 2 or 3 times a year face to face. Alex is gay, and out.

Generally, I am a very shy and private person – as a result, I’ve had very few romantic  relationships of any sort. And I don’t ever talk about my sexuality with anyone – as an example, when people/friends talk about other people they find attractive, I just listen and don’t participate in any way, whether women or men are being talked about (I just find it intensely private and I don’t discuss liking either women or men, unless with a couple of very close friends, though those friends are straight). I’ve been involved with women and, a couple of times, men (though I’m by no means experienced with men, particularly physically).  I’ve always found men attractive and thought of myself, to myself, as bisexual (albeit the degree has shifted over the years, perhaps nowadays to around 70/30 in favour of men). I don’t really present myself to the world as having any particular sexuality, and I don’t really think about it much because for the most part it hasn’t been a big part of my life and so hasn’t been a particularly important question – I don’t date people, I’m socially awkward, probably have some undiagnosed autism, am largely terrified of anyone I find attractive, cannot bear the idea of rejection, and can only really feel anything for anyone when I already know them a bit. It’s fair to say that no one I know through this hobby, including Alex, would be able to tell you my sexuality one way or the other (though I do not think I am a particularly straight-acting/presenting individual; I would guess people would just find it ambiguous).

Anyway, over the last year it’s happened that I’ve seen Alex in person quite a bit more than before and spent more time with him. I have always found him very attractive, but I’ve never had any particular emotional feelings for him. But over the past 6 months I’ve found myself developing quite overpoweringly strong feelings for him. Ridiculously so, in a way I have never felt about anyone before. To the extent that I find it difficult to think of much else, all of the time. I am really bad, and inexperienced, at reading things like this, but there are things that have happened that make me think he might like me as well. But even if he does, I don’t think he has any explicit information that would tell him that I’d be into a relationship with a man. So he is almost certainly not going to make any move. I recognise the ball’s in my court.

Some more context: We don’t “chat” online generally; I don’t think he’s much of a digital chat-er; we do chat a lot in person when we see each other, and then he’s very friendly and open – he’s a very nice guy. But you’d not get that impression of him digitally. If I want to test the water and try and find out more concretely if he does like me, my feeling is that this has to be done in person – although my chances to see him in person are limited. He’s a very attractive guy; I’m sure he has lots of attention from interested people.

It’s quite important for me to remain genuine, so I’m not keen on suddenly starting talking about fancying men because that isn’t something I would do (though I’ve tried to subtly mention things to a couple of people I trust in the community, in a way that feels authentically like me). I’m also not the sort of person who’d wear rainbow symbols so starting to do that wouldn’t be genuine for me either. I guess I am trying to subtly come out without making a big deal of it, because in my own mind I have been certain of who I am and comfortable with it for years.  It’s just never previously been important for anyone else/this group of people to know.  

I’m not sure that I can remember ever letting anyone I liked know explicitly that I liked them in order to try and get something to happen/find out if they feel the same (previously relationships have always just kind of… happened) – I have no idea how to bring myself to do that. If I knew he did like me, I wouldn’t have any issue approaching him, whether he or anyone else knew my sexuality or not.

I guess I’m just looking to see if anyone here has any useful insights or advice. E.g. Do people have any strategies to make things like this known, in a way that feels genuine for a person who is reticent about talking about their sexuality? Is there a particularly effective way to somehow make it known that I like him and find out if he feels the same, at the same time as still feeling psychologically safe? (Maybe this is like asking for the million $ lottery numbers.)

I’m very aware that the easiest answer here is: you just need to tell him how you feel, but that is a lot easier said than done, particularly when he is so intrinsically part of a hobby I enjoy. And, as noted above, I am a very private person and would feel supremely embarrassed to open up about something I am generally just not comfortable being  open about, and being rebuffed. I had kind of given up on anything like this happening in my life and I’ve very little experience of handling what for other people is probably a relatively normal situation that’s not much of a big deal. If anyone has any words of wisdom I would love to hear them.