Everyday I have an intrusive “I’ve lost something” thought or an intrusive pervasive persistent thought that I’ve lost something or something has gone wrong

And it’s just there

All the time. Perpetually in the background. I know it’s more than likely CPTSD & waiting for the other shoe to drop and my brain hay wiring going crazy.

Today made me realise too, a part of it might really be grief, because I’m missing someone who was the only true friend I ever had and they passed away 5 years ago and it feels like it the “block” on that emotion was taken away, I would crack and crumble and fall into pieces and just die.

My friend dying is such an odd juxtaposition too because it propelled me forward in so many ways, made me want better for myself, made me long to see with my own two eyes a world that was better than what we had grown up in or saw but sometimes I think now- Maybe I would have just been okay with it sucking all the tome, so long as I got to talk to him everyday like I used to. I would have been okay.

I’ve never actually felt that way for another person in my life before, I actually smiled. That’s out of the norm for me. Deep down I truly did care and did want to spend a lifetime with them- and they’re gone now.
It feels like I’ve lost everything.

A lot of narcissistic people envied and copied and mirrored me but none of them knew that I wasn’t satisfied at all with what I had achieved or my life. I was just a deeply sad and alone person, missing the only friend I had ever had. I don’t want to keep crying but I think I just have to fully acknowledge that yes, I forever will be broken hearted over that tragedy & that I will move on and that life will be okay, but that wound will always be there.