What a weekend . . .

Fuck, what a gong show that was.

So many things running through my head. Thankfully it's a long weekend and I have an extra day to get centered again. So many emotions. So many thoughts. And maybe a bit of a hangover still.

First off, what a gorgeous wedding that was. Jac looked stunning in a strapless Mikado A-Line with a pretty pleated bodice and a cute little bow on the train. So classic. So clean. Very jealous. Joel looked dashing, so foreign to me to see him in a tux, but the look of love on his face . . . I cried. Happy tears, but I cried. It actually felt nice to not be ugly crying for once.

I found things with Chloe and Trevor a little awkward at the start, but honestly, this was all me anyways. This was a problem of my own creation. They were blissfully unaware. Although, I was quite aware of Chloe's rosy glow Saturday morning. Very jealous x2.

I mean, I wasn't going to acknowledge it because, who really cares? But another February 14 has come and gone and I find the day a useful benchmark from which to take stock of my mind set. Relationships in general are as difficult as ever. My focus on the close relationships that already exist and that matter to me, still feels like the right thing to do. I think I might want to work at the bank for a couple more years anyways, so probably will double down. Anyways, I'm still having fun. I don't feel any desire to change my current life situation. I still feel like I have many things to discover about myself before I lock down that part of my life anyways. Probably should be a little more picky about who I connect with though. The Cameraman was a mistake that probably could have been avoided. It still hurts a little, but lesson learned. The Cop and the Teacher were fun, for different reasons, but nothing from either feels like I need to prolong this any longer. I should break it off with both, sooner rather than later, or fuck them . . . Don't even get me started on what NYE is. She's fun though, on a level that I'm still trying to understand.

Events like this weekend give me pause a little about sharing so much on here. What's started as a lark to get me writing again has become a bit of an exercise of walking a fine line between cataloguing my feelings and emotions to better understand where I am, and outright exhibitionism. Obviously the names have been changed to protect the innocent (and not so innocent) and I have found it helpful to vent a little into the void that is Reddit. I was hoping some openness and transparency about my motives and feelings, journaled on the internet for posterity's sake, would help provide some clarity. So far so good. But things are happening in my life that I would be mortified if my family and co-workers knew about, but at the same time I am also quite eager to spill the tea to Reddit under the guise of self-therapy. It's giving me a bit of a thrill actually, which is new for me. I've always been a private person, I don't share on any other socials. But, I've sort of gotten caught up in the writing part of it . . . this journaling has allowed me to stretch my writing muscles that have been so focused lately on writing succinctly and directly for pitch decks. I now understand the thrill of sharing on social media. The validation is a thing, even if it is random sex trolls. I'm still finding it hot.