Jordan

Dont worry ive been in therapy ive been doing the work and at this point im just tired.

im tired of having a ghost haunting me and me always asking "what more do you require of me?" what else do I have to give? I gutted everything.

I apologize for my spiraling too when I got bad and panicked. You didnt need that extra on your plate I realize that.

I dont even recognize myself in our old text messages and sometimes wonder "was that really me?" yeah it was. It was a softer more fragile me. I didnt have a point to prove to myself or anyone else like you did. You wont know how bad it got after you. You wont understand that it got so bad i had to let my kiddos godmother take her a while, or how I laid in the bathtub locking myself in the bathroom because I was scared of myself. you wont know that I lost 50 ish pounds and how everyone was wondering what diet I was on, alcohol thats the diet it numbs and you get to puke your feelings. anything was better than keeping them in.

I sent that Narwhal, your valentines, and your little spoon to you, but i neglected the card back then. I still have it and I finally wrote in it, but it was like saying goodbye. I wrote that I still loved you and I dont think that will change and how I didnt get to say it back and it hurt but I am tired.

I dont even cross your mind these days unless I test reality and add you on Snapchat then I briefly come up for a split second. I realized the other day too the last photo you sent to me you had already checked out. my brain hit a 404 error. I still listen to your voice mail breaking up with me and the whole "right person wrong time" and "for the future" stuff and I realize now you were just trying to soften the blow before you just cut everything completely. I also realized I hadn't heard you in so long that my memory of your voice was slightly off and it was scary like my brain was betraying me and making me forget you. maybe thats for the best.

I know youre still the same in dreams though. But you dont say anything you just chose me. I had a dream once that I was in a room filled with people I didnt recognize but I recognized one and you saved me a seat and that same hand that held mine with that little thumb rub was right there. And you gave me that look you always had the one that always made me melt , but then I woke up. Ah but when I woke up panicking like you had just jump scared me I got to take a nice little pill vs drinking so thst was nice. Thanks therapy and meds! Had a jump scare with your doppelganger too. Once again thanks therapy and meds!

I hope wherever you are youre doing good. gods heard a lot about you in the last two years so I hope hes good to you because Ive only prayed youre doing great, legitimately. but I hope that some day when we get to go he let's me see you just once, just once, so I can say it back.

you may not have put me through the hell of your growth but you put me through the hell of your absence and I honestly think thats worse. I wish we had never met and at the same time im dying for the paths to cross again its a total catch 22.

PS my best novel has you written in every page. People talk about how romantic it reads...oh yeah it does on a love that doesn't exist and really? Was one sided because the other side was just proving a point. I hated writing it but I needed somewhere for it to sit so it didnt eat me alive. And also, as long as im alive theres a person in the world that loves you and im so proud of you.