Hello there!

hello everybody. (Sorry for the length of post)I'm not very religious well I wasn't about till a week ago. I've spent most of my life trying to find a excuse to not believe. Using science and my "logic" to tell myself why it isn't that way. Of late I've been going under a bit of overwhelming issues in my life with law mainly to do with marijuana. I suppose it was a brain mechanism to protect myself since I don't necessarily believe in anything. I'm not gonna say I spoke to God or seen him but I do feel a deep urge. Feels unexplainable really. I've thought about attending church but I would be doing it alone. I'm a middle aged male with no children and just seem lost. Lonely but yet I have family that love and support me. Similar to the feeling when someone close passes. I'm a huge history buff with the crusades being some of my favorite time period to learn about but yet I still resisted. On the other hand I don't want to commit just because my life feels hard. Who I wanted to be is not the person I am and I struggle with that. I'm not even sure the point I'm trying to get across but when I speak about it in person to others it feels like a disconnect. That's what led me here to a brand new account making a post to people I'll never see. Maybe I should get in touch my own way? I don't know if this is God's plan or me trying to reforge my plan. possibly a bit of both? Any words of encouragement will be appreciated. May you all have a wonderful day and thank you for your time.