I'm 14 years old and I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

To begin, I should mention that English is not my first language, so if something is misspelled or grammatically incorrect, please forgive me. This is the first time I've posted anything on Reddit or even on the internet, I'm trying my best. I had to muster a lot of courage to post this.

As stated in the title, I am 14 years old. I won't mention my gender or my real name, so just call me Fany. Let's begin.

Lately, strange things have been happening to me. No matter what happens, there's always something wrong. My thoughts try to do things to me, convince me of things I never asked for. They try to convince me that being blind isn't so bad and cast curses on me. I first experienced this when I was 13, but they came back and claim it's me. I've noticed it only gets worse when I spend a lot of time alone, but my parents don't listen to me. They spend all day on their phones and watching TV, and my father spends every day on the computer too. They never leave the house. I've never played outside in my life, I've never left the house alone, and I live in a place that the government has already forgotten about.

I study politics, history, etc, and so on, and the news is taking away my will to live. I've been concerned about wars since I was twelve, I studied to understand how racism and world dynamics work, and I need to say: The world is screwed. And the worst part is that nobody does anything, even adults, because we are all slaves to money. Current news is enough to drain our positive energy, but I also realize that this world is doomed for centuries. It's an eye for an eye, until everyone is blind, while the blood of the innocent who died flows. Human beings are complicated, even though they are just flesh and blood. People used to say I was very innocent, but now my innocence is fading. I really wanted to do something, but I can't.

I've been pressured to be mature since I was eleven or twelve by my parents, and my mother raised me to be pure, so when I was younger, I blamed myself for everything I didn't understand or for feeling angry when something displeased me. I understand things better now, but I realized I just didn't want to be responsible for worrying about being mature when they yelled at me when I was twelve.

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm losing my true self, my identity. I'm growing up, of course, but I can't quite accept this growth; I haven't processed what's happened very well since I turned thirteen. I've evolved, but there's something in me that's dying, something that was once alive. My thoughts are already consuming me, changing my reasoning, and making me forget what I wanted to do from the beginning.

I feel like I should be more mature at 14, whatever that really means. I should have a more mature body maybe, or look more grown-up, just like I saw 14-year-old girls when I was 12. I understand that my parents and others don't truly comprehend everything that happens in the world and me too, that it's not their fault that things are this way, that there are things that are my responsibility, without a doubt; after all, we're all experiencing everything. No one knows how to solve everything just because they're older, but rather through experience and wisdom. I just think that certain people never truly mature or take charge of their own lives, but I don't want to be one of them. I don't want to become an immature person who makes the youth of others more painful and ends up destroying innocence of children, or even their own lives. And I understand that not everyone who did those things I mentioned is truly immature, because we can all be vulnerable, defects and have our flaws, but seriously, there are people three times my age who can actually do things that I don't understand how it's possible for someone who's 50. Some things are just plain bad character.

I feel like I'm walking down a narrow, dark road to adulthood, unable to truly enjoy my youth because of my powerlessness and being poor, living in a bad place, in a bad house, and not being able to change anything, until I reach adulthood, which everyone says is hell. I was grateful for everything for years, I respected the limits, I didn't complain, but now I really can't take it anymore. I only have this cell phone for everything in my life, even before I could talk to friends. I can't even ride a bike or get some sun. Everyone says they miss the 2000s or before 2020, but if everything is bad now, then what will I have for my future and for the future of my generation? I just wanted to enjoy my time, be a carefree teenager, and be able to do something important. My father has called me many things when I tried to confide in him, like calling me a slut when I was thirteen, and I've even received death threats. But I can't be a rebel, or my mother will say that Jesus Christ doesn't want me.

My parents' lives were very messed up. My mother has severe trust issues due to traumas like abandonment, and she kind of isolates me from people or is even cynical towards very young people. However, she only wants to protect me, preserve my purity and innocence, which she didn't have. And my father doesn't know how to properly show love or affection, or even physical contact; he just stays alone in his corner with his computer. My family is complicated, it's like everyone is kind of problematic, but I still feel the need to have someone older who is truly wise and doesn't have mood swings by my side. I have emotional issues with my father because he used to fight with my mother, and that left scars on me, plus he's been somewhat distant since I was a child. He tries to appear sociable with people, but he curses everyone easily. He is an honest and hardworking man, he had a complicated childhood, but he is difficult to understand, not even my mother understands him 100%.

I'm trying to do things, but I lack discipline because I gave up on everything before and I blame myself for it. I feel like I'm wasting time and I need to make my dreams a reality right now, because I might not have a future. I never believed I would turn 14, because I always thought God would end the world soon. I'm not accepting change and growth very well. Everyone says adolescence sucks, that being 14 is just about surviving, that growing up is hard and all that—DAMN IT, ISN'T THERE SOMETHING GOOD? I don't want to die now. And on top of everything, my mother keeps making predictions that the capital city where I live is going to be hit by a tsunami!

I feel like I just wish I could change something, but I can't. I can't cure my mother of her health problems, restore family unity, get out of this horrible house in this horrible place where we live, or have my own money. I'm just wasting my youth, and I feel terrible about it because I can't control any of it. I've even tried everything from learning Buddhism to help me. I know this might just be a phase, I know, but I don't know what to do while it lasts. I'm in a constant state of anecdote; I don't really feel anything anymore, not even happiness.

If anyone has read all of this and can help me, I would be grateful. God bless you all!