I don’t know who I am anymore.

This is my first post so I don’t really know what I’m doing. I just to vent somewhere.

To start off, I’m a married, 34 year old mother of 3 beautiful daughters. I love my family so much.

The “start of my downfall” began when I lost my mom to cancer when I was 18. I gave up going away to college to become her caregiver. When she passed, my dad had to work so I inherited the responsibility of raising my younger brothers. I’m the eldest and only daughter so go figure. I’ve always taken care of everyone and have neglected myself. I’m proud of the men I raised though.

I haven’t been to a therapist, but I’m pretty sure I have anxiety/depression. I’m angry…I’m angry all the time. I’m just REALLY good at hiding it. I’ve learned how after all these years. I’m scared to be on medication. I’ve heard that it “makes you numb” I don’t want to be numb. I just don’t want to be angry, sad, hopeless anymore.

My husband is amazing and my daughters are my whole world. They only know happy, bubbly mom. They don’t know what’s going on in my head. It’s like, I feel so tired of taking care of everyone. My husband is always like “go get a facial” go do this, take a break. But like I can’t? Idk why.

I’ve been on autopilot since I was 18. Taking care of my dad, my brothers, my family. I lost any spark I had left. I know I need help. I just don’t know where to even start. I’ve had those “thoughts” creep in and I snap myself out of it almost immediately. My babies need me. I know how hard it is to not have your mom.

I’m just tired guys. I just want to feel happy. I don’t want to be sad and angry anymore. I WILL get help, I just needed to vent out my thoughts.

If anyone reads this…thank you!