AITA for fighting with my boyfriend over a Valentine’s Day gift and making him return it?

I (28F) have been with my boyfriend (31M) for a little over three years. We’re serious, we’re talking about marriage, and I genuinely love him. This is also a long-distance relationship and always has been. We met during our graduation days at the same university, then moved on to do our masters in different cities, developed feelings, got into a relationship and have stayed long distance ever since and are now even farther apart during our PhDs. This was never a surprise situation we both knew exactly what kind of relationship this would be when we committed. It started as an LDR. It is not a curve ball life threw at us.

Let me preface this by saying that i absolutely love him. He is kind, respectful, loves me, there is emotional stability, loyalty and understanding. We get eachothers' ambition and life choices. We are in love.

I also want to be very clear that this isn’t about money. We’re both PhD students living on scholarships in a country where PhD is considered a student position not a professional one so the money is enough to keep us comfortable through the month but n, neither of us is rolling in cash. For me, it’s about effort, thought, and planning especially around important dates. I love giving gifts, and I love receiving them, but only because they make me feel remembered and considered.

Throughout our relationship, I’ve never missed a milestone. Not his birthday, not our anniversaries, not Valentine’s Day. I plan ahead even when it’s inconvenient. For example, when I knew he’d be traveling to Poland around his birthday, I made sure his gift was bought and given to him before he left so he could carry it with him and feel remembered on the actual day. I do things like that naturally, when I’m out somewhere, I’ll think, “Oh, he’d love this,” and get it for him. I’ve bought him meaningful, personal gifts based on his interests(like a book of DaVinci's manuscripts, models of batmobile etc) , taken him to watch a play he wanted to see,I got him a travel coffee mug because he complained about how expensive it is to buy coffee everyday so i got him a kettle and a mug so he can make and carry his own coffee, I've coordinated with his friends and arranged a small suprise welcome back package with flowers and snacks placed in his hostel room for when he returned from his Poland visit so he didn't feel alone, I've planned visits for his birthday, cooked for him, taken him out on dates, booked movie tickets, once even sent him movie tickets so he could enjoy that Deadpool and wolverine movie with his friends as I was not there with him. I've made reservations, I've sent him flowers, clothes, all of that.

On the other hand, my experience has been very different. He forgot my birthday once and was late calling me, which really hurt. I’ve had multiple birthdays with no gift at all. Some gifts were promised but arrived months later, after I had to keep asking about them, and by then they honestly lost their emotional value for me. Some gifts, never arrived. For our second anniversary, for example, he promised me a dress that didn’t arrive until December, even though the anniversary was in August, and only after repeated reminders. By that point it didn’t feel special anymore.

He has also never really planned dates. In three years, he’s taken me out twice. One time I paid first due to an issue and he paid me back later, which kind of killed the romance for me. The other time, I picked the place, checked the menu, and made the reservation. Which again did not make me feel very pampered. Movie nights, tickets, even virtual dates when we’re apart, I plan all of that. When we meet in person, we mostly stay indoors, even though I love going out, walking around, visiting simple places like gardens or cafes. I’ve communicated this many times. His response is usually that long distance makes things hard and that once we live together, everything will be better. But my argument has been that this has always been long distance. it’s not new. He knew what he was getting into it and if he couldn't do it he should not have pursued me. (I obviously don't mean that because i can't wait to be this man's wife)

He’s told me from the beginning that he’s bad at choosing gifts, so I tried to meet him halfway. I stopped expecting surprises and started explicitly telling him what I like. He assured me early on that if I just told him, he’d get it. But what actually happens is that I tell him, and then nothing happens, or it happens months later, or I have to keep reminding him. Over time, this has built a lot of resentment in me, because it feels like I’m constantly thinking about him and planning for him, while I’m an afterthought in his planning.

Credit where it's due, if I'm facing a functional/logistic issue like a shoe being uncomfortable- he'll order a new one immediately. If I say I'm running out of money this month, he'll transfer some immediately without even having to ask. If i say I have not eaten or I'm hungry, food arrives. If i say my phone charger broke, boom! New one. You get the gist. He takes care. He shows up. It's the romantic gestures where he falls a little short by my standard. Not to say he has never given me ANY gifts ever. He has. But when it's a milestone - my birthday, anniversary, or something he has promised me ... That's where the issue arises. It had gotten to a point where for new year's, I simply said I'm ordering my own gift, just send over the money.

So coming to the title of this post.

This year, at the beginning of February, I was already feeling overwhelmed by all of this. I texted him clearly that deliveries to my university take around 10 days and that if he wanted to send something for Valentine’s Day, he’d need to plan ahead. I even sent him a wishlist with specific items like jewelry, dress and perfume within a reasonable price range because he’s said he needs that kind of direction. Despite this, we kept fighting about effort, dates, and feeling neglected. During one of these fights, I snapped and said I didn’t want anything from him anymore. I said it in anger, but it came from being tired of repeated disappointment.

A few days later, he suggested that we order a dress I liked together, which upset me because once again it felt like I was being asked to manage the task. He has my address, my size, and access to my shopping apps. So why did we have to do it together? Just place the order and watch me recive it. (His gift had already been delivered by 9th or 10th)

Then, a couple of days before Valentine’s Day, he casually told me he was going to his friend’s place for the weekend. I had to point out that it was Valentine’s weekend. He said he didn’t realize, which honestly hurt a lot because it felt like he hadn’t given the day any thought at all despite me telling him iahve been feeling neglected over and over) Even something small, like planning to spend the day together on video call watching a movie which we often do would have meant a lot to me.

After that fight, I very clearly told him again that I didn’t want a gift. Valentine’s Day passed, and then a parcel arrived anyway. He asked me to keep it, but I refused. I personally don’t enjoy gifts that arrive after the occasion; they lose their meaning for me. He then asked me to send it back to him so he could give it to his sister. That’s when I really lost it. When I was asking him for effort, dates, and planning, he argued with me for hours and got defensive. But the moment I said I didn’t want the gift, he suddenly became calm and understanding. On top of that, being asked to courier back a Valentine’s gift made me feel humiliated and like I was once again being made responsible for fixing the situation.

So I told him to process the return himself, and that if he wanted to give his sister this gift, he should buy it separately instead of making it my problem.

He has now processed returned of the item.

I know this sounds like it’s about a gift, but it really isn’t. It’s about feeling forgotten, doing most of the emotional and logistical labor in the relationship, and only seeing effort when i absolutely lose my cool and remind him multiple times.. Still, I know I lost my temper and escalated things.

So, AITA for fighting with him and insisting that he return the Valentine’s Day gift instead of me accepting it or mailing it back?

Edit: the food and money he sends shows he cares without a doubt. I do the same things for him too. (I also return the borrowed money and it's not something that happens every month. It is rare. But it happens) He would do all this for his friends too. He's a great guy, a great friend. We were friends before we started dating. That is how I know what he's capable of. He assured me in the start of the relationship that he's a "romance ninja" hence my expectations. And frankly i don't think expecting your long term serious boyfriend to plan a date once in a while or celebrate your birthday and anniversary is too much to ask. He's a 10 when it comes to showing he cares. Romance is where he doesn't shine. I'm not going to throw away the relationship because of this.

And To all those telling us to break up, screw you. This is one small aspect of a very bountiful relationship we enjoy. If you drop some eggs and dirty your kitchen counter and your clothes, it doesn't mean all your eggs are gone and all your clothes are ruined forever and you house is entirely damaged. But you can still be upset about what happened. This is that. I'm upset about one specific thing that hasn't just happened once. It had happened over and over again like a pattern.

He promises me things and efforts and none of it happens. I wouldn't be mad if the valentine's day gift arrived a few days later this one year. I'm upset because repeatedly over the years gifts haven't arrived. Dates have not been planned. Promises have not been kept. I'm upset over the lack of thought. The lack of proactiveness.

Of course he sends me some pasta when I'm hungry. But to say that i shouldn't expect him to make me feel special on my birthday because he got me pasta is honestly a weird take for me.

edit 2- You guys are missing the point. I never said it's about the amount of money spent on the gift or the frequency of it. I am trying to say it's about the thought and effort. He does everything I ask. But that's the point... I have to ask. Did you guys skip over the fact that we never go out when we meet because he likes to stay in. Or if we do I have to ask for it, constantly remind him, plan it. I want him to be a little pro active in planning things. I'm not expecting a gift every month. I'm expecting it on our anniversaries and my birthdays. How does that make me high maintenance ? I'm expecting him to consider what I like and what matters to me. You guys are talking about him sending money and food. I do that too. As instantly as he does. I want him to do something a little extra. Not everyday. Not every month. But he should at least do it SOMETIME. I should have been made to feel good and special in these 3 years. I don't need the gifts to be expensive, I need the symbolism. I like to nostalgically remember that 'my man gave me this for our anniversary' this valentine's day was not the first time this happened. Imagine having Birthdays where he forgets it's your birthdays and repeatedly does nothing to make you feel special, no gifts nothing. Or imagine 3 anniversaries going by where he doesn't do anything special. It gets exhausting. I begin to feel neglected and forgotten because I'm not a part of his thought process. You guys are right. He does things that take care of me. But as a girl, I also want a little romance sprinkled here and there. (romance that's outside the bedroom if you know what i mean)