I have a question

All right so I created a reddit account just for this. I'm really confused, and need a little help,and I want to make sure I'm not just being too sensitive. So please, be honest with me. And I'm sorry if this is a bit messy, my thoughts are a mess right now. And I know, it's a lot to read.

I'm 17 (m), and my relationship with my parents is a bit complicated. They are pretty lenient, they care, and they try to spend time with me. But over the years, since I was about 12, I've felt very depressed at times, lonely, and trying to avoid them. I am extremely insecure and have high stress over everything. I get these obsessive crushes on fictional characters. I feel so fucked up mentally. I spent a lot of time blaming myself, and couldn't figure out what the actual hell was wrong with me. I mean, my parents were nice, food was good, I was being tended to. So why can't I appreciate it? I also noticed how I was being very harsh on myself. I feel wrong all of the time. I have unrealistic expectations about what I should do. I behave really well, and don't get in trouble very often.

So I started thinking harder about how my parents are treating me. When I come to think of it, there is a huge gap when it comes to interests. They like certain movies, and songs, etc. But when I approach them with something I like, it's like they don't want to be interested. It's very rare to actually find something, and they seem to want to enjoy it. Otherwise, they seem to have this biased hate against it. And when I'm usually talking about games I like, or shows or whatnot, they act indifferent and like they want me to go away. So their time they want to spend with me feels like it's conditioned to what they like. I've realized this for a few years, but I kinda forced myself to get over it. I mean, there is definitely worse things.

So recently, a few weeks ago, i started thinking about my childhood, when I was very young. And I started remembering some things. So I was raised in a place called the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses. It's this religious group of 90 percent old people and absolutely no kids around my age, and I was 100 percent home schooled. So I thought that maybe a lack of peers could have fucked me up mentally. Then I thought more, and I remember just how harsh my parents and the people at the hall were. I remember they treated me like an adult, and they gave me a lot of responsibilites, like remembering these scriptures, giving presentations, because they said I was smart and mature for my age, and this was on top of home schooling. And I didn't get to play with anyone a whole lot.

I also remember that my parents were really harsh against anything I did wrong. They wanted me to behave no matter what, and I guess keep that image that the Jehovah's Witnesses thought of me. When I was 5 or 6, they threatened to send me to an orphanage when I misbehaved, and I remember my dad threatened to take me to the hospital to circumcize me, since I'm uncut. He even showed me a video on YouTube so I knew what he was talking about. I also had a habit for getting out of bed, and he threatened to out nails on boards in the hallway if I got up. Look, I know they didn't mean any of this, and it was just empty threats, but at the time, it genuinely scared me, because I believed it. Now, I can't sleep at night anymore, and I have these disturbing nightmares and bizzare stuff. I think it could have been caused by that. So at the hall there was this woman named natasha, and I remember meeting her when I was about 8 or 9 (my memory kinda sucks with ages, so sorry I can't be specific). She was tall, pretty, smelt nice, and was really sweet to me. She hugged me a lot, and sometimes brought a blanket to the hall during meetings because I sat by her a lot. I loved her, a lot. She didn't brag on how mature I was, didn't expect me to do anything, just hugged me and made me happy.

So eventually, when I was 11, we left the hall. My parents had a lot of stress from their responsibilities, and wanted out of it. My parents even talked about how everyone there was manipulating all of us for work and stuff for the hall, including natasha. I fully believed them, and we left. I'm still homeschooled, but at least I'm free from all of the responsibilities of the hall. My parents just bought five dog after we left, and I got to take care of three of them, my sister got two, and now my responsibilites got replaced with being a parent. And these dogs are a lot of work, and I have to do all of it for them. It's stressful. They absorb so much of my time and energy. If I ever talk about it with my parents, they just tell me about their raising in the countryside, and how it could be a lot worse, etc.

So I haven't thought about natasha until very recently. All this time, I believed I just had some silly little childhood love for her and she wasn't caring. I felt stupid for ever even liking her. But now, that I remember her, I'm just.. depressed. I think she actually did care. I miss how she treated me. I miss her hugs more than anything in the world :(

But my parents are completely different now. They are pretty laid back, they don't really punish me, but they still expect me to take care of dogs and remember everything as much as I can. I love them, and I genuinely don't think they were trying to be abusive, they were just stressed and parenting how they were taught. (They were raised in Oklahoma, need I say more?). But.. I still feal nervous and uncomfortable around them, even though they really try. Now, I'm not a phycology expert, but is it possible that their previous strict treatment and how I was raised completely fucked me mentally? Like, just permanently made me afraid of failing them, and feeling like I'm wrong all of the time? Its the only thing I can think of.

I'm sorry this is so long, so I'll wrap it up. I didn't know were else to turn to, and these thoughts and memories are overwhelming me. I don't know if this is even the correct subreddit for this sort of thing. And I know that there is a lot worse cases here, but I just feel so vulnerable and depressed right now. And if I'm just being overly sensitive and this is normal, sorry for wasting your time.