Situationship Cycle

First of all…I hate myself, a lot. I go through this annoying cycle where I want to be loved, so I cut contact with him and try to find love. I join dating apps (I know I should focus on healing but I feel so lonely at times). Try to find love but then I start thinking about him again. I realize I still love him so I eventually reach out to him again. Then we start talking again and eventually I’ll ask him, “what are we?” Or say “I love you”, “I miss you”. Then I’ll feel like shit because he doesn’t feel the same way and I know he just wants something casual, not something deep. I feel like he’s the only man who can put up with me and how many times I leave and try to heal from this mess. He always accepts me back like it’s nothing. Even though he doesn’t feel the same way???? But deep down I feel like he’s loves me and that he’s obsessed with me like I am him. Or maybe it’s just my body. I hate myself. I want to change. I want to find real love and be loved unconditionally. I really hate myself. This has been going on and off since 2021. Has anyone gone through the same thing? Any success stories about finally going no contact without going back and opening up the cycle again? Help! Btw, never met him in person. This was all online.