It’s my birthday this week. Join my pity party!

Just feeling low. Like I don’t have a purpose in life and that this never really got easier, did it? My therapist says I’m a statistical outlier because I am seemingly stable, married, good job, house etc.

But I am feeling lately that I’m not really doing anything but waiting to die. Like, I’m not suicidal or anything, but like there’s nothing to look forward to? Gesturing wildly to the world here.

Maybe I’m just tired. I’ve survived 30 years since my key incident, but have had multiple other incidents since. After the first few things, my self esteem fucking tanked. I just lived in a high stakes “if it kills me oh well” high risk, numb to the dangers and too sad to care if I die mindset.

For context:

- CSA from another child

- verbally abusive father

- narcissistic mother

- black sheep of the family (too fat, too quiet, too loud, too much, too sensitive, etc.)

- groomed by a predator while a minor (this is like 2002, being online was like the Wild West) SA’d when we met

- groomed by a predator (trafficked to another country while under age), brought home when he was arrested for skipping parole. He would drug and SA me, also tried to get men to SA me while I was drugged (but was unsuccessful)

- stalked by said predator and had my life threatened repeatedly. I’m about 18 by this point.

- tried to kill myself twice, failed both times and then found joy and a purpose in college. I got myself into a good relationship, and started thriving. When that relationship ended (amicably) I was okay, and started dating.

- SA’d again. Pressed charges finally, and he was convicted. He’d harass me around town though, and I developed a bit of agoraphobia.

After this, I graduated, got a great job, met my husband, worked hard, bought a house, and now I live a quiet life.

But recently, with so much about the Epstein list I just feel… exposed? I literally have nothing to do with it but it’s like when you have a burn, how you can’t put the burn near heat or it hurts more? Like that.

I come home and I curl up in a ball and cry. I just feel so worthless and terrible. The anxiety is so high today I want to throw up. It’s literally been almost 20 years since the court case, but I also moved back to the same town so I’ve been just on edge.

Can someone just be kind to me please? I need a hug (my husband is working so I’m alone with my feelings).

Thanks