I don’t feel like I am good enough to enjoy things even in my own hobbies.

I don’t know how else to describe this but I basically have this weird obsession in my mind where I seem to be limiting myself of my enjoyment of my hobbies purely because I don’t feel good enough to be considered a part of it.

Every time I get into a fandom or a new hobby. A part of me becomes a perfectionist and I start making up rules in my mind that tells me what makes a “real fan”. A prime example for me is when I decide to watch a tv show or movie adaptation, I have this strong voice in my head that I need to watch/read the original source material because if I don’t then I am not getting the completed story which makes me consuming said media “inferior” or “invalid”. There are many rules that I came up with overtime and they seriously hinder me from my enjoyment over anything.

These rules has made consuming media for fun stressful because I want to do things right as well as being able to interact with the fandoms online or irl. I don’t want to be exposed a fake even though I know that people don’t do that at all (maybe sometimes, but not all the time). I also tend to get frustrated at myself when I do get told things by the fandom that I didn’t know and I seem to change my opinions frequently to fit in with certain discord groups and online fandoms.

This thinking has spread to everything that I do and I end up feeling so frustrated and lonely because I feel like I don’t belong anywhere and I don’t feel like I have a personality because I am not the “best” at something.

I do have theories about why I am like this since I do suffer from low self-esteem and I tend to have OCD on certain things. But this feeling towards hobbies in particular is difficult for me to grasp since it feels like I am being pulled in multiple directions and I don’t know where to start. This issue could be narcissism, OCD, lack of self-esteem, and many more problems that I don’t know about.

What can I do to solve this issue? Any insights to why I feel like this? Any videos of Dr. K that talk about this as well? I would appreciate any help at this point.