AITA for wishing my own father's d*ath?

I know it sounds horrible and I do feel like a shity human. My father has been an alcoholic since I remembered. It didn't bother me when I was younger, maybe because I don't remember or he wasn't like this back then. Him drinking doesn't bother me as much as the person he becomes when he's drunk, mostly things he has done to me that he doesn't remember. He has touched me inappropriately since I was 10, and I still see nightmares of that moments. But I'm more concerned for my mother. It was b*ating at first but after he went to jail twice for it he decided to ruin her mentally. Purposely poking at her nerves to start a fight then calling her crazy for being angry. I don't know how it happens, it's like he turns into totally deferent person when he gets drunk. Cursing and talking to himself, trying to start a fight with everyone, being racist towards people of other races to start a fight, and super egoistic. And what kills me.is that he's a normal father when sober. I hate him so much, I avoid him all days and I hope he'll just die of something. But some part of my mind still tells me that at the and of the day he's still my father. I don't know what to do.

Am I horrible for even thinking about it? It really makes me hate myself, after all the time I put in self-love.