Im tired of to pick up the pieces and feeling unimportant.

It’s a general feeling, it’s something I’ve been discussing in therapy for the past month or so. I’ve always prioritized others, their feelings, their wants and desires at the expense of my own. And when I do act selfish, it’s like the end of the world. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I’m a very independent, lone cat type of person. I could handle being alone but I am human, I have social needs. I long to belong. Who doesn’t?

Growing up I don’t recall being given much attention from anyone that wasn’t my dad, who has been dead for almost 8 years. I can’t believe how much that affected me. I hated him for the last few years of his life. Imagine hating the one person who truly loved me. Who would drop anything and everything for me. I don’t doubt everyone else in my life wouldn’t do that same, but maybe to lesser degrees. And that’s what hurts.

I’ll never be a priority in anyone’s life. There will always be someone more important. A boyfriend, a girlfriend, a closer friend, a mom, a dad, a brother, a sister, a child. It’ll never be me. And while I’ve started to come to terms with that, it will never stop hurting. No one will ever know how much I hurt. No one can ever help me and alleviate that hurt. How do I know they’re doing it out of genuine care and not out of obligation? How can I trust my friends? How can I trust my family? When I’ve been let down time, and time again. No one notices. Or they notice but they don’t care. I hope it’s the latter, that doesn’t hurt as much. I try my best to tend to everyone’s needs but there’s only so much of me to go around. There’s so many people and only one me. I don’t even prioritize myself. How sad is that?

I don’t know do this will ever go away. Grief is one of those things that never goes away and this feeling of loneliness, sadness and insignificance feels the same.