I’m a monster

He knows it’s a hard week, I’ve checked his location again for the hundredth time tonight, he’s still at work and it’s 9 pm. I’m hurt! I’m angry!

There was an incident at the school with our son today. I forwarded the email to him. Part of me was waiting for him to be home to address together, but he’s still not home.

I had 2 very stressful parent teacher conferences (I’m the teacher) today, and two days in a row where I had to be to school an hour early to hold conferences, all about extreme behavior. I wanted to talk, but he’s still not home.

The kids desperately need a bath, but I don’t have the energy to run the water, wash their hair, fight with them. Hell, I desperately need a shower, but I don’t have the energy for that either.

Around 8 (when they should have been in bed at 7:30) I give up on the idea of a bath. Tomorrow I tell myself.

I yell and scream at the kids because now it’s 8:45 and I’m exhausted from being up at 6 am. The last thing I want to do is put the kids to bed. I just want to hide under my covers. It’s all I’ve wanted to do since I got home. I feel this rage. I know it’s at him and not at them, but I yell anyway, no filter right now. He still hasn’t left work.

I yell at my little girl because now, at 9:00, bedtime, she tells me that her ear hurts. It’s probably an ear infection, but why does she choose just now to tell me. There’s nothing I can do except give her Tylenol. Part of me doesn’t even believe her at first it’s something every night. Anything to get out of sleeping in her own room. Is she trying to get out of bedtime again? She looks miserable, I do believe her, but why didn’t she tell me earlier so I could have taken her to the doctor. She was fine all night, playing and running.

I go to kiss her goodnight and tuck her in. I tell her I love her, she stares at me miserably. I ask her if she loves me back, she half nods. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I apologize for yelling and tell her the Tylenol will kick in in a little while.

I go into my son’s room and apologize for being mad. I explain that I’m not mad at him. He knows I’m mad at daddy (I don’t have to say it). He shouldn’t know that.

I’m a monster. I can’t stand to be around myself right now. It’s 9:15, he’s still at work.

I’m going to go apologize again to the kids. I get them each something. He needs more water, she wants the music on. Now I’m going to go to bed. I guess the incident at school will have to wait. Till when, I don’t know? But I can’t right now. I’m going to sleep.

It’s 9:20, now he’s calling. Probably to apologize. I let it go to voicemail, put on a warm bathrobe, and lay down in the dark. I will cry myself to sleep. It’s been a long day. I will make sure to be asleep when he gets home. I will ignore the noise he makes when he comes in to let me know that he’s home.

I’m a monster!