I wrote the letter

I wrote a letter for my ex girlfriend which i said id do in my last post if anyone saw it i will send it to her at her door with things she left at mine and hide her favourite wine, ice cream roses at the bottom hidden well so she dont see them until the door is closed

To K I have brought your things that were left at mine. Youll see i have brought your favourite wine, ice cream and roses as well as an ice cream scoop.

These past few weeks i have thought about what went wrong in our relationship, i know i fell short in ways that mattered and want to list them because you deserve to know and what im going to do to fix them, improve and what ive been doing. I know i didnt ask for help when struggling because I wanted to do tasks becuase i wanted to be the man you could rely on, take care of the flat like a man should. When you assuared me to ask i didnt want to look weak like i wasnt capabale, even though reassured many times espically when in need of a hand. I know my communication was poor and our convosastions wasnt always long, my mutism would kick in making ne feel, exhasuted, drained and out of words. Even though you reassured many times you dont need to go queit and to socialise it wasnt easy but it didnt mean i wasnt comftable. I am sorry when things got heavy id go quiet and shut down which leftyou guessing what was wrong and what was needed. I need you to know you were never unheard and i promise when i zoned out and youd ask "whats wrong" and i said "nothing" i was actually ok i just day dream alot. I know i made mistakes such as washing up and putting plates in the wrong cuboards, pots, pans in the wrong order and knives blade side up etc. I tried too hard, focused on one thing forgwtting to fix the mistakes, but overtime i did improve you know i did. Iknow you felt unheard and im so sorry, i do things im comftable with its just getting used to something new overtime. I promise you were never unheard, when youd confront my mistakes and fell silent to prevent an argument becuase i couldnt and would never argue with you and shout with you i never shout at anyone and i always told you that in the beggining. Although we loved to get high together gardually the thc was pulling me down, vaping it everyday made me blind, delayed what i needed to face and focusing on our future and present, bad dreams, bad texts, short term memories worse. It shifted them in ways i didnt notice at the time. What started as a way to relax pushed prioties out the way. Please dont think its you fault becuase its not. I kept vaping it becuase i didnt want you to be high alone, i should have only vaped it when slending time with you not everyday. I know i let small mistakes pile up and over apologised without fixing with fast action. I see how that made you feel overburderned and doing most of the lifting. You were paitint with me for so long more than anyone deserved. I know i talked alot about computers, games and 1990's trance music, i do get entusiastic and excitied im like it with R and A too, i just lose myself and dont always notice its also a form of comfort. I didnt mean to overwhelm you and make you feel i wasnt present with you. I anklowedge that when i needed the toilet id ask even you said you dont need to, i know that made you feel im a visitor, i even ask R to borrow his even though ive known him for 20 years its just my nateral politness that i was brought up with its the same with asking for water. I understamd i didnt cook homemade meals for us, its not i didnt want to i just didnt feel confident in thr kitchen as i once was and i hate my confident stole rhose moments of dinners with us and what we could have said, but my pizza and steak was good right? I know i said alot of dad jokes and went overboard, even in seroius moments at times. But i said them becuase i loved to make you smile and laugh and to make situations lighter. I do it to R and A even my little brother as well even though most are cringe and unfunny i tried to make you smile and fill in the silence and i am so sorry it made you annoyed and fed up overtime. I realise we didnt watch alot of anime after a whileand never said reccomendations but that didnt mean i didnt like it i loved watching it with you sane with your movies and series and i know you felt you were always putting in effort and input with the TV alot of your media is pretty good. I need you to know you were seen as a person and your intrests even when i didnt express it. Im not saying this to excuse or make you feel sorry for me. Im writing it becuase i see it as well as the pattern the quitness, mistakes,, mutism, the vaping that oushed our priotise out of sync. Im working to break it and improve. Ive started counselling and on my 3rd session this week. Im learning to open up, manage anxiety and mutism, ask for help when needed, have proper convosastions without relying on nodding, pointing and silence as well as to clear my head. Ive started training to be confident in publicand to be stronger. Ive also started cooking homemade meals as a hobby ive cooked macaroni cheese, pasta bake and that salmon bake. Im starting easy gradually moving on to harder meals slowky becoming more confident in the kitchen again. Ive been using cooking tips you taught me as well as watching James May OH COOK! On amazon prime and pirated cooking books. These arent quick fixes to impress anyone these are changes im making to be a better man, i want to be the better man, that man you fell for in our first half that confident, open, smart, comitted, funny and mature version who'd play 1990s Trance at any given moment. I know i drifted far from that and i hate i let things pull me away from who i was with you. Thats why im doing these improvements not just to be that man but to become him again more better, stronher mentally and physical, more relaiable and dont let anxiety, fear and old patterns come back and doesnt hold us back. You deserve that version and im working on those improvements

(Soppy love section private)

You are rare 1 in 8 billion, you are a diomond, a million diomonds you are perfect in everyway i still think about the future we talked about, getting stable, move in, save up, get a mortgage in a quiet village with a nice garden where its just us as well as roadtrips and hot countries where wed get engaged, those convosastions wernt just dreams to me they were the life i wsnted to build together and i am so sorry i fell. I want you to know you make people seen, safe and cared for just for being you and i need you to know you are still loved and valued i am grateful for you and what you done for meand i apperciate you. Whenever there comes a day you want me back after changes the man you once knew and knew you well call me and ill cook for you or eat somewhere nice. Goodnight sleep well i miss you and love you always