My Life Is Unsustainable

Reddit glitched out and lost my entire fucking post. My life can't be sustained. I can't do it. I'm barely hanging on. I cried earlier, but not hard enough. When I'm sober, I see it very very clearly. I can be out and about and still get attraction from women here and there, but it doesn't excite or interest me. There's no future prospect. I won't work for a boss again. I won't work retail again. I won't go back to that. I don't want to be an entrepreneur anymore. I should have been the 7th abortion, and I'm not being dramatic. What the fuck were they thinking aborting 6 of my siblings before having me, then abandoning me.. What the fuck?

I don't want a traditional life and I don't want a degenerate life. I don't find pleasure in vices anymore, it's just resource consumption. I use them to warp my perception and tap into oblivion from time to time. I won't reach old age willingly. There's no way. Soon I'll be nobody to no one. It's difficult to wrap my mind around the concept since I've always occupied this body with my consciousness. I was always someone to somebody, even if I was just a customer, or a worker. I've sampled a few decades of this place, and it really isn't for me. I know what to expect and I don't want to see it realize.

I'm gone, but not yet. My parents failed me. My caretakers abused me and withheld knowledge to maintain dependence. I kicked myself out to sleep on the street to try and learn and grow. Individualism has failed me. I achieved individualism, but I'm alone. It's only sustainable to the degree that I keep on hacking away at maintaining order. WHY, though? THIS ISN'T WORTH IT.

Soon, I'll be nobody to no one. I won't have to worry about maintaining this vessel or nourishing it. I won't have to worry about budgeting anymore. I won't have to worry about defending myself against thieves and bandits anymore. I won't have to look at the husk of my culture anymore.

Soon I'll be calcium, carbon, and nitrogen breaking down in the soil. That can be my legacy, that's fine. Get me out of here. For now, I hug myself due to natural self-preservation, but that will change. I've been practicing. I wish I could cry harder than I did. I'd like to be gone sooner than later but the survival mechanism is pesky and keeps getting in the way. Trust me, I've searched for years, there's nothing for me here. Neither now, nor in the future.

The nicest thing I can say to myself is something like: Layyyyyyy downnnnnnnn It's okaaaaay it's okay we'll be done soon it's okay I'll go and be gone and it's final. It's just difficult to wrap my mind around being nothing.