A difficult situation

Not sure if I picked the right flair... my apologies.

This instantly reminds me of the first time I went to an NA meeting, was clean for 2 days, and then made a group chat at 4 AM to talk about how extremely grateful I am etc etc (i was off my tits in a CK-hole)

Anyhow.

Here I am, with a hole in my nose and starting to damage my ears/eyes/synus. Still doing lines.
More than that, I started the day with Phenibut "to help me get off alcohol" (still did alcohol) so it hits extra hard and im running around anxiously using phone app to scan my heartrate. Well, I guess I'll survive another heartattack scare (until i dont smh)

Ive been thinking of going to rehab for about 3 years now (i always used now and then since my 15th. It got really concerning at 21, then i pulled an extremely bad one and after that i figured "gottta change now or im done". managed for a good while.

After that started "healthy" occasional use, with good vibes and fun.

Started dealing (which meant it was always there and my network became more and more druggy). Was semi ok till a bad breakup. I then spiraled and pretty much deleted my sober network.

I was doing sex drugs rock and roll and figured "heck i dont wanna get old why care about risks for later?" .

fun stopped being fun. people fed me over. at some point i figured i throw it around. Went alright for a while but went too hard on the workout. awful injury made me relapse.

life started getting worse and worse and i started becoming more and more of an awful person.

eventually i went to detox, which was 1 week in a clinic.

After that i was homeless. still managed for a bit. got into a relationship with a girl pretty intensely and p much moved in with her after knowing her for a week or 2.

Obviously that went wrong, and obviously i relapsed again.

I managed to keep a job for a while still, but was never sober at work (booze ket coke).Eventually crashed out at work.

At some point i almost figured "i can just stab whoever fucked me over so atleast ill get locked up and get some help"

fortunately i didnt, i guess. although sometimes i wish i did.

Anyhow. I eventually gave up on going from subrent to subrent (amsterdam) and had no more rights to student housing.

So am with family now. in my home province.. unfortunately the family member i am staying with in the basement uses regularly so i got a number for c the first day im here .

had a few clean runs but unfortunately every time i get sober enough to start thinking clearly-ish i also start to feel all the things i pushed away and i relapse.

What to do?