I used an ex boyfriend/bdsm dom to compensate for my meds suddenly not working. Then I got upset when he didn't hold up his end.

I don't know what I'm looking for - mostly... kind words, sympathy.

But also a reality check, if I've been too harsh... but kindly, please.

My ADHD - Severe inattentive.

Notes about severity:

• I have a diagnosis from a psychiatrist that says I have the worst case without comorbidity that he's seen in 26 years.

• I have a note on the same diagnosis that says my doctors should consider medical restrictions on driving for me if I fail to take medication, because my ADHD impacts my ability to drive very much.

• I have never held a job longer than 8 months without medication

• On meds, I am currently on my longest streak of employment - 2.5 years.

• I have an extremely high sex drive and desire for pain that is distressing when I do not take medication. Adderall has helped severely reduce this when I take it.

• On meds, I also cleared 40k of debt, did my taxes for the first time as an adult, and started saving for retirement.

• While I have never tried an illegal substance in my life or abused my medication, prior to getting diagnosed with ADHD and being medication, I would self medicate with excessive caffeine (3 red bulls and 2 coffees a day) to compensate, and use alcohol for task completion and sleep. On adderall, the desire for these completely disappears - caffeine becomes an occasional treat, and I don't drink at all.

Background Context

I'll use the term "ex" to describe him.. We had an on again off again relationship from September 2024 to now. About 1.5 years. We dated, we were FWB, we were in a real relationship. It's messy and all over the place. We also had a BDSM relationship that remained a consistent way we related to each other throughout.

My reason for leaving typically involved perceived lack of romantic interest from him. It was also the first time I've had a FWB type relationship and I didn't like it and kept trying to leave. He treated me very well, so I tried to ignore the lack of commitment; eventually feelings of doubt I'd have would well up and I'd leave. But I'd often come back due to my lack of impulse control - I've got severe ADHD and hypersexuality as result. I also knew he was good for my ADHD in combination with kink. He was aware of all of the above listed issues.

He liked controlling and organizing and deciding, and I preferred submitting. Due to my severe ADHD, I suck at planning and organizing. So we fit together well. He added structure to my life that I benefited from A LOT, and he felt like he was given an opportunity to control he had never been allowed to enjoy before. It felt a lot like he was my caretaker from my perspective, and he was happy to play that part.

Recent Events

We last broke up in November 2025. I thought it would be permanent. We didn't talk for 2 months.

But in mid January, my ADHD medication suddenly stopped working. This was and is devastating. I'm still not back on track. I've been told by 3 professionals that I have one of the worst cases of ADHD they've seen in terms of it's impact - it's not just about distraction. Without medication, I've only been able to hold jobs for a max of 6 months.

I tried to go to the doctor and was brushed aside - they implied I was probably trying to sell my medication to others, and they refused to make changes.

When I got pulled aside at work and told things had to improve, I panicked. So, I called my ex, and asked him to go to the doctors with me and help me push the doctors to do something So I brought him with me to help advocate for me. He came. We went over some options. I wanted connection and comfort so we hooked up after.

I had a conversation with him after about how I was struggling to keep my job and wanted his help keeping my life organized. I told him I wanted him to be actively involved if he was willing - I need structure to not lose my job and to figure out what was wrong with my meds.

The main benefit was sleep and getting to work on time. He has much better sleep hygiene than I do, and when I follow his lead I feel 10x better rested, and I feel like I can take advantage of the medication better the next day. He also reminded me to take my meds, would get me ready for work to make sure I got there in time (huge problem for me).

And the price to pay for all this was basically sex. It's not like either of us explicitly said it was that transactional, but it's just part of how we interact together; we couldn't have such an asymmetrical relationship sustained for long without it, and we're both highly sexual people, so it was fine. I knew I'd regret it later because of all the back and forth over the last year and a half, but to get me through a rough period where my meds didn't work, I decided it was fine to rob Peter to pay Paul; sacrifice some long term happiness to have my immediate needs met and get help keeping my job.

We were explicit about my expectation of him helping me and taking on a kind of care taker roll. We didn't explicitly say it was in exchange for sex, but it was understood. We used terms like "restart" our dynamic. Verbatim "if we're restarting this, I need you to be actively involved and more strict with me, particularly in relation to sleeping and getting to work on time... I need help with everything, I'm a disaster." We agreed he'd take charge of everything when I stayed over, and would lend support less directly when I was at my place and not with him, which mostly took the form of reminders and venting and appointment planning, but it was fluid.

I quickly started to feel used - something I frequently felt over the last year and a half without commitment. I wasn't comfortable with the knowledge that without sex, he wouldn't be helping me to that extent. But I was scared of losing my job, so I stayed. While I wasn't 100% sure I trusted him, I knew he never mistreated of me... maybe I felt conflicted about whether I was being taken advantage of, but I thought it might be worth it if it helped keep me employed.

This goes on for about a month. At this point, I'm planning to leave him on good terms as soon as I get a sleeping pill or different medication for ADHD - use our dynamic to bridge the gap until my appointment with a specialist towards the end of February.

Thursday

Then, Thursday happens.

The cumulative effects of my medication not working start to add up and present themselves. Within the span of an evening, all of the following happened:

• I lost my $300 pair of headphones for the second time in a week.

• I lost my $100 electric tooth brush.

• I lost keycard for work.

• I realized too late that I missed 2 appointments that cost me $600 total.

• I realized I missed the window to return an item worth $180 that had been mailed to me damaged.

• My place was SO messy, I couldn't see the floor. This resulted in me stepping on a box cutter that was hidden under a sock. I stabbed myself in the foot, and my blood got all over some work documents which were also on the floor.

This all happened in the span of 4 hours. It's now 11:59 pm on Thursday.

I was so so so full of frustration and rage at myself. I'm typically a happy person, with low anxiety, no depression, and high self esteem. But, I start having... we'll say, "extreme depression thoughts".

This is not normal for me.

But I work in a hospital and I know the drill. If you call 911 for "extreme depression thoughts", you are either referred to non emergency resources that don't provide immediate assistance OR, if they think you're "extreme depression thoughts" are too extreme, they send the ambulance or the police, you get taken to a "psych ward" for a mandatory period of time for observation. (I'm using imprecise language in quotes because using the exact words can lead to doxxing because of jargon between hospitals).

Because of the admin nature of my job, ALL of my coworkers would see the paperwork showing I had been admitted for that reason. And if you've ever worked at a hospital, YOU KNOW everyone talks. So, I didn't consider that a solution.

So, despite it literally being midnight, I reached out to my ex. He has a work from home job, and typically sleeps between 1:30 am and 9:30am. I knew he'd be up, and I had been texting him about random things throughout the evening. He usually games between 9pm and 1am. I knew he'd be awake, and he had agreed to help me with my mental health issues - so I reach out.

I say:

"You busy? I'm having a rough night"

He responds in a minute.

"in game with my crew and im going to bed after - sorry"

"K"

I text another friend.

At the time, she didn't know that I had ADHD or that I had been struggling with a medication crisis. She assumes I witnessed something traumatizing working at the hospital. So, with very few details other than knowing it's unusual for me to ask for help at so late an hour, she drives from 2 cities away to make sure I'm okay, keeping me on the phone most of that time.

I tell her everything - my diagnosis, my medication struggles, the accusations from the doctor that I had been selling my meds, the shitty evening I'd had, my "severe depression thoughts", and how I was reluctant to call 911 or go to the hospital because my coworkers would find out.

It's almost 4am after I'm done. She convinces me to come with her to her families cottage with her brother. They'll keep an on me over night, and if needed they can call 911 if my "severe depression thoughts" get worse or if they have concern they'll turn to action. And since the cottage is several cities away, there's 0 risk my colleagues will find out.

I agree. I go with her. When we get to the cottage, I take some sleeping pills that belonged to her mom. I sleep almost 16 hours straight.

We have a decent weekend. We watch movies. We play board games. We talk. We mostly keep it light until she needs to get back to the city on Sunday night. We agree I seem better and that the moment has passed, so I return to my normal life.

Aftermath With Ex

Throughout my entire stay with my friend, my ex didn't text me. I felt so uncared for. Here's our last few texts, with edits for privacy and brevity:

~~~ Thursday night/early Friday ~~~

12:00am: Me: "You busy? I'm having a rough night"

12:01am: Ex: "in game with my crew and im going to bed after - sorry"

12:01am: Me: "K"

1:14am: Ex: "I'm headed to bed. G'night."

10:13am: Ex: "Morning"

~~~ Sunday ~~~

1:59pm: Me: 5 paragraph long rant about how he should have texted me or called to see what was wrong, expressing I did not feel cared for and he had agreed to help me. I accuse him of using me for sex, tell him he's never made me feel wanted or cared for, and I needed to permanently end seeing him. I tell him there's something wrong with him - for caring so little, for showing a consistent disregard for my feelings and not communicating. I tell him I'm going to block him and ask him to do the same just in case I ever forget how abandoned he makes me feel.

2pm: Ex: "Holy shit, just from this?" [replies to text about being busy with gaming]

2pm: Ex: "It was late and I was busy."

2:01pm: "This one thing overwrites all the good? That's brutal. I do not think there is something wrong with me, with all due respect. I do know you were hurt but silent treatment is not a game I will play either, hence why I did not message a third time after receiving no response"

He continues typing, but that's all he manages to enter before I block him.

Did I overreacted?

Points defending myself:

• I didn't swear

• I didn't name call

• I felt like I reached my limit with him and expressed that. I felt like he didn't even care to know if I was okay or what had been bothering me. He agreed to help me and he failed to do it at a critical moment. I saw no point in continuing things with him if I wasn't getting the help he promised - this wasn't about sex or romance for me - we had already tried that and we knew it didn't work. I was leaning on him for support, and if I wasn't getting that, I wanted out.

• I didn't mention my "severe depression thoughts" - I thought that might look like a guilt trip, especially after I decided I didn't want to see him anymore.

• While I could have done a better job at communicating, I was also going through a mental health crisis, I caught up on some much needed sleep after burn out and being given a sleeping pill, and then focused on the people who were helping me and spending time with me while I was a guest. I also didn't want to be sad speaking to him.

• I wasn't giving him the silent treatment. Saturday was Valentine's - from my perspective, I was being generous to him about his lack of contact. I thought that perhaps his lack of contact was related to that. Either he didn't want to contact me to avoid signally anything romantic (totally in his character btw), OR perhaps he had been dating someone and didn't tell me, and was spending time with them. While our sexual relationship was monogamous, we have an understanding that we are not going to be together forever, so dating other people was acceptable - all we owed each other was the knowledge of sleeping with other people for STD risks. So, I considered it would look from his perspective if he were spending Valentine's Day with a date, and he got a call or text from a mentally ill ex girlfriend asking why he hadn't been in communication. The optics of that don't look great. So, despite being offended that he couldn't have spared 30 seconds to send a message saying "Hey are you okay?", I gave him the benefit of the doubt and decided not to be intrusive - I was in the care of friends anyway, so despite feeling hurt about his lack of communication, it was no longer an urgent situation.

• By Sunday I felt confident that my Valentine's Day theory was wrong and he had deliberately decided not to contact me.

His perspective (or what I imagine his perspective is):

• He's very routine oriented, so I would have known he was busy gaming.

• He quickly communicated he was gaming and apologized

• He texted good night and good morning, which is routine for us.

• I hadn't communicated the extent of my mental health crisis that evening, including the "severe depression thoughts"

• My text message was very harsh. I was critical of his ability to communicate, questioned whether he cared for me, accused him of using me, and related this all back to previous issues we'd had when dating. It was definitely a personal attack.

• And then his comment about "the silent treatment"

What's your opinion?

I guess he thought I was playing a game, and I wasn't; I was struggling and scrambled to find help. He's offended because it seems like I'm over-reacting. I felt like he under reacted and offered no help when I needed it, and was more proud about who won an exchange via who texts who first instead of taking the initiative to see if I was okay.

Was I too harsh?