Do I (31M) have unrealistic expectations for my girlfriend (30F)?

I am a (31M) and have been with my girlfriend (30F) for 8 years ( I'm not a great writer so excuse my rambling and unorganized thoughts). She's a great looking girl and takes care of herself physically but she definitely struggles with her mental health. We have two dogs that we got after we started dating. I bought the house that we currently live in within a year of us starting to date and we have lived together since. I pay for everything- the mortgage, property taxes, all utilities, vehicles, all types of insurance, cell phones, trips, meals, vet bills, just about everything you can think of. I bought a brand new car for her about 5 years ago and cover all of the expenses associated with it. Oil change? I take care of it. New tires? I take care of it. New windshield? I take care of it. Tires need air? I take care of it. She hasn't vacuumed the car out in over a year and refuses to wash it herself but will spend $40 to have the exterior washed at a local carwash.

She covers groceries about 75% of the time and does do all of the grocery shopping which is a big help. I work 6-7 days a week but am self employed so my hours are somewhat flexible. Some days I may be working from 5am until 10pm and other days I may only work from 6am to 2pm. However, it seems that on days when I'm working from the home office, she looks at it as if I'm just at home hanging out.

Fortunately, I do well financially and am able to support us both but I don't feel appreciated. I also take accountability for allowing the situation to get to where it is and enabling her to not contribute financially. I have definitely made life extremely easy for her since we began dating and she seems to now be entitled to the life that she has. Any little issue that pops up in her life, I'm there to save the day and get it figured out. Looking back, I realize that I have hurt her by not letting her struggle at all. I've tried so hard to help her that it seems to have done the opposite because she hasn't really had to learn any life skills or be independent.

She works part time, typically 2-4 hours/day during the week and only has a 10 minute commute. She has enough money to pay for gas and buy small things that she wants but isn't saving any money. She has never had to pay rent/bills or support herself so I think her perception of life is skewed. She had a real job and was making ok money for about 6 months but quit because it was negatively impacting her mental health. She has no idea what she wants to do in life and when asked about the future just says "I don't know."

She has everything she needs- lives in a nice home in an extremely nice area, gets to go on nice vacations, gets thoughtful gifts throughout the year for no reason, etc. I am extremely loving, caring, and supportive towards her and treat her well.

About five years ago she was stressed out and getting low on money so she asked me for a $5k loan. I gave her the $5k but she hasn't brought it up or attempted to pay any of it back. In my mind, when I "loan" someone money, I don't anticipate actually getting it back but was really hoping that wasn't the case.

Over the last 3-4 years, she has gotten lazier and lazier with things around the house. Her time management isn't great and she gets flustered when chores are brought up. For example, I remodeled our bathroom last year and she has only cleaned the toilet three times in the past 11 months. When I brought it up a few months ago, she gaslit me and tried to say that she "cleans when I'm not home" which isn't true at all. The dogs also shed a decent amount so hair starts to build up on the floor after just a few days. She might vacuum once a month but lately I've just been letting things go to see how long it takes before she will take some initiative. She also refuses to brush the dogs and if I don't do it then it doesn't get done- and that seems to be the case with a lot of things lately. Fortunately both of us are clean and organized so that helps out tremendously but it still doesn't seem acceptable to me.

She used to pack me lunch for work but stopped doing that about 6 years ago. She normally goes to bed later than me because she stays up watching TV and then wakes up later than I do in the mornings. She makes dinner 4-5 nights a week and is great cook but would rather sit on the couch right after dinner rather than clean up. She hasn't made a real breakfast or lunch for us in probably 3 years.

About 8 months ago, I paid attention to the amount of hours she watched TV one week (58 hours) and brought it to her attention. She blew up on me and then proceeded to refer to herself as a "piece of garbage" for the following week. Nothing changed after the conversation and it wasn't productive. Aside from making dinner, and bits of housework here and there, she doesn't really do much to contribute. I also do all of my own laundry.

She was somewhat depressed and unhappy when first started dating and I thought that I could help her be the best version of herself. She has also dealt with anxiety from a young age. She has improved substantially since then but still isn't happy. When things are going good and she's happy, everything is fine. On the other hand, when she's having a bad day/week, things are miserable. A good example is when we went on vacation for a week over the summer. I spent $6k for the Airbnb but as soon as we walked in the door she had a meltdown because the finishes weren't nice and the house was dated. The house was in a great location near the beach but she had a poor attitude the entire trip and made consistent comments like "This house is a piece of s**t! You need to ask for a refund and then we can just go home." "I hate this place and can't wait to get out of here!" "The lighting in this bathroom is complete s**t! F**k this place!" This has been a common theme on trips over the years and her behavior tends to make them not very enjoyable.

She also refuses to speak with a therapist and has never talked to one before. When I ask why she isn't willing to talk with someone, her only response is "because I don't want to." I'm not sure what other options there are but she needs something to change the way that her brain is wired. I have recently given up on trying to communicate with her about things around the house, her behaviors, or her general unhappiness because it never goes anywhere. Her response is typically one of the following- blows up and cusses me out, gets sad and talks extremely poorly to/about herself out loud for hours and sometimes days (you're a stupid b***, everyone hates you, you're worthless, etc.), or completely shuts down and gets extremely sad and quiet, and says things like "it's only a matter of time before you find someone better than me." Watching her act like this is extremely upsetting for me and I feel helpless.

She doesn't have a great family support system and her mom is an extremely toxic human that we don't spend much time around. If she didn't have me supporting her, I'm not sure what she would do. Personally, I don't need her to I don't mind being the bread winner and supporting someone, but in return, a clean house and good attitude would be really appreciated.

I could keep going and give more examples but I think this gets my point across. My patience is wearing thin and I'm starting to think that she isn't willing to change and that makes me sad. I want someone who is more of a partner than a dependent and feel like the constant negativity is drowning me. Also, the thought of raising kids in an environment with a parent that behaves that way is a huge red flag. Are my expectations of a how a partner should behave unrealistic?