I stopped my Meds

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Background:

Depressed: Dec-end of Jan

Hypomanic: 1/26-1/29

WAY HYPOMANIC (they gave me Zoloft bc they didn’t believe I wasn’t depressed anymore): 1/30-2/7

Admitted to inpatient while manic turning into mixed with psychotic features (extreme derealization and paranoia): 2/5

Stoped Seroquel 2/13, immediately had insomnia and hypomanic symptoms came back as soon as it left my system.

Was threatened with an involuntary psych admission by husband if I don’t take my meds; resumed night of 2/16.

I’m active duty Air Force and now I’m facing a MEB and was removed from my AFSC duties until further notice; yet my no move order is for a “temporary condition expected to resolve within 12 months”. My psychologist is pretty convinced I’ll be getting medically retired but all the research I’ve done says there’s potential for them to retain me but I’ve already been a problem child in my career field over the years (I’m a baller at my job tho which has saved my ass over and over again).

I’m definitely still activated, I have really nice feel good moments and still listen to the same playlist with the same 6 songs, I’m still sexual, I’ve spent more money again.

***TRIGGER WARNING***

I keep getting stuck in thought loops of, “This can’t actually be happening to me. I must have manifested all this. I have been fine for years and I feel fine now, everyone is overreacting.” I don’t want a diagnosis because that means there’s a slight chance the things i’ve done isn’t 100% my fault. But it is. I’ve been violent. I’ve started fights. I’ve emotionally abused and pushed everyone away. I’ve put my family in debt THOUSANDS. I’ve strained my marriage. I’ve hurt my family members. I hate myself. I cant just blame everything on being bipolar. I want a reason to hate myself. I don’t deserve help. My family is better off without me. My 5-year old son may forget the things i’ve done but I’m sure his fight or flight system wont and i sure as hell wont forget either. (No i haven’t abused him, more so impulsive physical or verbal discipline out of proportion to the situation). I’ve been struggling so hard to accept I have Bipolar 2. Idk why this is so hard to accept. My memories feel so distant, my days are getting mixed up, I can’t remember conversations or things I did. (It’s not terrible but it’s noticeable). I just want my life to go back to how it was. Before all this blew up in my face. It’s too much. I literally cannot connect the dots and when I do it’s painful. The paranoia/derealization loops in the evenings are terrible and push me back to suicidal tendencies. I want my brain to stop attacking itself. I can’t tell what is authentic anymore. I can’t differentiate my core persona. I keep blaming the medication and I’m scared of finding “stability” because I don’t want to loose myself. The pro’s of offing myself are outweighing con’s. My family would eventually heal and move on, but the logical part of me knows they’d never be okay and I can’t stand hurting people anymore. I fucking hate it. I just want to stop hurting the people I love but i feel trapped in life.

Im also sick of hearing; “Take your meds”, “Your not acting like yourself.” Like leave me alone.