The year after

My partner broke up with me last year over an argument. It was one of those kinds of arguments where you are both just tired, stressed, and letting your emotions get the best of you.

We ended up reconciling a few months after, they had flings and it hurt me yeah. But I told myself as long as they broke up with me first before entertaining these people it was fine. Though it was weird that the flings they had were online friends they knew when we were still together.

We reconciled after 2 months, got back together and they promised to be better for me. They said they didn't deserve me and will do their best to be deserving.

I could not take it, things were not adding up to me and I snooped on their phone. They allow me to but I never really did it before, I had their passwords and everything but I told myself if I was gonna be the kind of person who has to check their devices then it would be better to break up.

But, I snooped. I found out they had another private twitter where they would post pictures of themself, pictures I thought were just sent to me. Barely clothed, showing off their body. And it was okay with me, if I knew this was happening. The account had friends that I have not met, online friends, new people that they have not introduced to me.

They confessed to talking to 2 people there, flirting while we were still together. That was how it was so easy for them to jump to another person after we broke up. Apologetic, crying, begging me not to leave.

They also confessed when we were on the way to reconciliation, a few weeks before we got back together. They drank with a few friends and kissed 2 of them all while they were messaging me, updating me about their hangout, telling me they miss me and they love me.

I was numb for a few days after finding out. 4 different people, one of them they had a sexual relationship immediately after we broke up.

I forgave. I have been trying to move on.

It's been a year since, only a few months after I found out the whole truth and I am still struggling.

They've been better, really really much better. But sometimes it still stings. I want to get over it but I would find myself lashing out. Wanting to punish them for hurting me. Wondering why. Being paranoid even though they have not shown anything to make me doubt then.

Will this get better? How do I move on from this? I have been reading and I am planning to get back to therapy once it fits my budget. I really want this to work and I recognize that they do too. Any advice would be welcomed.