(Sweet Revenge) Part 22 - 13 Going 30

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Trigger warning: Transphobia

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Grace

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Yeah, I mean… it was bound to happen, right?

I wish I was wearing a jacket of something because these shivers I am feeling would go by easier if I had something to hold tightly around myself.

No jacket though.

No nothing.

Just Grace.

And while I am sad, I am also maybe a little relieved?

It’s a Tell-Tale Heart type of situation: you can only relax once it’s over. 

Josh is way out of my league. He always has been. This was always gonna end with him breaking up with me. To be honest, it’s weird he was interested in me at all.

It was fun, though! I tug on my shirt because I have shivers and no jacket. Sadness is weighing my body down but I don’t let it reach my thoughts. It was fun. It was! We had fun. It was fun. Maybe just enjoy it for what it was? No need to dwell on this. You don’t even need to listen to his break up speech, right? You can just block him and move on! The coward’s way out! Ideal for those without a spine.

“He’s a jerk.” Nic shrugs it off as we are making our way upstairs to our apartment. I jump two steps at a time because I get quick when I get nervous. Nicole grabs the back of my shirt demanding I wait for her because she gets slow when she gets grumpy. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah.” I lie. She knows I am lying. Why am I lying? “No.” I course-correct and she nods, pleased to hear the truth.

“He’s a jerk.” She says it again. “Going behind your back to his ex like that! You should rip him apart for it.”

“Eh.” My turn to shrug. “What for?”

That is not what Nic was expecting to hear.

“Grace, please tell me you won’t let this go that easy! You always do that! To your parents, your sister, Ellen…! Enough, Gracie! You can’t shit take shit from everybody!” She revolts as if she, herself, were not guilty of the same sin.

“There is nothing to let go, Nicky. He is gonna break up with me. What the hell am I gonna chew him for? That’s a girlfriend privilege. I’ll be an ex soon enough.”

“Wait-wait-wait.” She wants to stop while I still want to climb two steps at a time. I guess we are not as deeply-bonded-soulmates as I once thought. “He broke up with you?”

“I asked him to do it tomorrow.”

“I… He is crazy about you. I mean he has some weird whatever going on with the hot ex, which is disrespectful as hell, but I didn’t think he would break up with you.”

“He still has feelings for her. Why else would he go through so much trouble to hide that picture, right? And he even involved her in the decision. She means a lot to him and now I’m just thinking…”

“What?”

Say it, Gracie.

It’s ok.

It’s over.

My eyes are watering.

“It never made sense, Nic. Josh is way too hot for me, why was he interested at all?”

“He is NOT way too hot for you! You are BEAUTIFUL! You are a stunning piece of ass and I won’t hear you say any different!”

“I’m not saying I’m ugly, babe, chill.” I nudge my best friend. People who say women fish for men’s compliments are crazy. We have our girlfriends for that and they never disappoint. “But objectively speaking, me and Josh are on different tiers. He is hot hot. Like ripped as fuck sports guy, with the green eyes and the dimples and the gorgeous hair. I’m not as hot as he is. No one is.” I shrink, feeling my heart crack.

“I mean, that Benjamin guy…” She gulps a little.

“Yeah, not a fair competition. Benjamin is like a fallen angel or something.”

“Right? Jesus Christ. That play was boring as hell, but he took his clothes off and suddenly he had my undivided attention.”

“If you never mentioned the tattoos, maybe Josh would have introduced you to Ben instead.”

“Are you crazy? WAY out of my league.”

“Oh, so YOU get to say that?”

“Yes. Glad we cleared that up.”

“How was Ty, by the way?”

“We’re not done talking about your thing. Don’t change the subject.”

“C’mon! Help me out!” I beg, guiding us back up the stairs because if I leave it up to her, we will be gossiping between the second and third floor all night long.

“He was not really my type.” She says. “I don’t know, there was no spark.”

“You never have a spark with anyone because you won’t let yourself. Mark is getting married and you’re still letting him live in a piece of your heart. You need to kick him out.”

“I should say the same about Daniel!”

“Hey, I kicked Daniel out! It was all Josh for a while t-“ I was mocking her but then I remember I don’t have a Josh anymore. Once again there will be a guy living in a piece of my heart. I change the man but I kept the problem.

“He is not breaking up with you.”

Yeah, he is.

“I hope he does.” I sigh.

“What?” Nic whispers because she can’t believe what she just heard.

“He likes Hailey. He should be with her. But if he doesn’t break up with me… I won’t be brave enough to break up with him. So I hope he does.” And ain’t that the truth.

The truth.

It was hiding behind Josh all this time and I was so distracted by his smile that I never noticed.

“It never made sense, Nic!” I lower my voice. “He was hitting on me hard, right from the start. Why me? Now I see it.” I inhale until I have no more use for so much oxygen. “Hailey came back! She left him, she broke his heart… and then she came back. So he went looking for some sweet girl he could act in love with to make her jealous. He needed someone shy and quiet to make it feel real, instead of performative. You should have seen him whenever she called… he would get SO distracted when he heard her voice. I bet that kiss after the game was just for her, too. I mean… HIS FAMILY invited HER to the game! She clearly means a lot to him! He kissed me to make her jealous, but the picture in the paper would hurt her too much, so he shut it down.”

“You really think that?”

I shrug.

“Makes more sense than baseball smoking hot superstar suddenly being into me.”

She thinks for a second.

“I think you’re pretty enough for that.”

“You’re my best friend, so it doesn’t count.”

Our conversation gets quickly interrupted by Josh calling me. I stare at the phone. There is a blankness inside me. Three hours ago, my stomach would be residence to all the local butterflies whenever he called. Now… blank.

A sadness that I am not letting reach my thoughts.

So I have blank instead.

“Josh or Gail?” She asks when we finally reach our door.

“Josh.” I say.

“Third time.” She counts. “Gail already called what? Twenty?”

I’m not listening to her.

My phone keeps ringing on my hand like a dying bird begging for help.

He stood up to my mother for me.

He made me feel safe.

He was jealous of Daniel.

He made me feel wanted.

That sucks.

“Are you gonna answer?” She speaks gently, afraid to scare me off.

I hear Daniel’s voice, somewhere in the past. “I will always love you, Grace. Not romantically, of course.”

Is that what Josh will say too?

I’m sorry I used you to get my ex back. I care about you. Grace and I will always love you. Not romantically, of course.

Never romantically.

That’s for Gail and Hailey and Daniel’s new girl.

It’s so strange, I can’t even feel sadness over it. Not over this constant realization that people don’t love me. It’s so odd. I should be used to it by now.

They just don’t.

It’s ok, I guess.

It will be ok.

I survived Daniel and my parents and whatever else. 

I’ll survive this too.

“Grace?” She insists. “Are you gonna answer him?”

My phone stops ringing.

“I was thinking maybe… block him and forget about this? I don’t need to hear the break up speech.”

“Grace!” She can’t believe me.

“What?”

“Maybe he won’t break up! Maybe he’ll apologize. You need to decide if you can forgive him.”

I need to decide WHAT?

I don’t think she meant it as a joke but her words sound fucking hilarious to my ears. So much so that it’s not long before I am laughing. It starts small, of course, glaring displays of panic often do. A grin. A chuckle. But it grows. And it keep growing until I have tears in my eyes as I am belly laughing.

“Grace? What is going on?” My panic laughter is scaring her.

“You think I need to decide if I can forgive him? Have you met me? Have you ever known me to face a wrong I couldn’t forgive?” I laugh harder. “My mother forgot my birthday, my old friend Elise spread gossip about me in high school, my sister stripped naked to lure my first love into fucking her, my father stole my money and threw me in debt. And I have forgiven it ALL!” Suddenly, it’s not funny anymore. “You think I need to decide if I can forgive Josh? I already have.” My words are turning to ash even before they leave my mouth. I can feel them sticking on my tongue, but I say them anyway. “He can hide my picture from the paper; hell, he can get naked in bed with Hailey, have Nash take their photograph and print that on the front page instead, under a headline that reads My One True Love and I’d still forgive him. I’d still give him another chance. I’d still ask him if he wanted me to paint him custom art and bake him fresh cookies because I am that much of a PATHETIC FUCKING LOSER.” Yeah. Not funny anymore.

“Grace…” She holds my wrist, but the thing happened. The thing I’ve been trying to avoid… the sadness.

The sadness reached my thoughts.

“When will we be done, Nic? Because you give me hell for being a pushover, but you’re just as bad. You’re going to Mark’s wedding! He fucked some other chick while you were on a break, he got her pregnant and you sent them a gift! He invited you to the wedding and YOU ARE GOING!” I throw my hands to the sky because if this isn’t a situation that requires divine intervention, I don’t know what is. “WHEN THE FUCK are we gonna have enough? When are we gonna be done having people walk all over us?”

“Grace, you need to quiet down a little.” She looks around. The door to the other dorms are closed, but it’s late and quiet… if someone decides to peek a phone out and record me, I’ll be in for a rough morning.

“When am I gonna be the one who breaks up with a guy like Josh because he didn’t treat me right? When am I gonna who stands up to my mother and tells my sister to fuck off? When am I gonna stop waiting to be taken care of? Fuck it, Nic! If I’m this hard to love, I might as well love myself, no? If I’m so hard to take care of, maybe I should do it alone.” The sadness is turning to anger and that would be fine if it could stay there… but I let it fester. I let the monster out and it’s been growing inside my for too long. It’s too large to control. Sadness turned to anger and anger turns to the worst thing a person like me could ever feel… It turns to hopelessness.

“Listen…” Nicole puts her hand on the doorknob but I don’t want to listen.

I want to speak.

I’m done being a supporting character in my own life. I wanna lead.

“Fuck it.” I pick up my phone.

“What are you doing?” My best friend is scared because the woman in front of her right now is quickly becoming a stranger.

I wish Gail would call me right now. It would be like a symbolic blessing from the universe, letting me know I am on track. But I don’t much care for blessing anymore.

“47 times!” I laugh, checking my phone record. “Gail has called me 47 times since Josh texted her pretending to be me and said I wouldn’t be doing the invitations anymore. You know how many times she called me after she took my college fund? None. She said she was giving me space!” I dial her number.

“Grace, what are you doing?”

“47 calls!” I laugh. “Josh sent that text about 24 hours ago which means she has called me twice an hour, every hour. And her texts are in the triple digits. I’m done hiding! I’m not making her damn invitations and I’m telling her that.”

“Ok.” Nic is cautiously supportive. “You should do that. But maybe let’s get inside first?”

“No.” I put the phone to my ear. “If I stop to think for one second I will give up.” I say and she knows this is true. I have no idea how backbones work what with not having one and all, but it seems I have somehow triggered ALL the necessary physical and metaphysical requirements to grow one. It’s happening. I am growing a spine but I have no idea what the recipe is. All I know is that my body has decided that right here and right now are ingredients. What the hell do I know? Maybe the coordinates are a requirement? So I’m not moving. I’m not taking one step away from this door until it’s done.

I will say this though: I kinda want to throw up and I never thought the catharsis of a story should be accompanied by vomit.

It’s never like that in rom-coms.

When the female leads finally have enough and decide to turn things around, there is always a certainty to their actions. The soundtrack even changes to match that!

But I have no certainty.

And my only soundtrack is the faint sounds of plumbing.

But c’mon body! No more taking shit! Ok? One spine, coming right up!

The call rings a fifth time and Gail finally picks up.

She is upset, but she is making an effort to sound bored.

“Don’t bother, Grace.” She sighs. “It’s fine. I fixed it. Remind me to never count of you for anything important again.”

She was expecting an apology.

Can you believe this?

After everything! She was expecting an apology.

I was sad, I was angry, I was hopeless. 

Now I am fuming.

Because I said no and didn’t answer her calls for a day… she thinks I’m supposed to apologize.

But it’s not happening! Not this time.

“I…” My voice fails.

Fails.

GRACE! No! C’mon, girl!

The invitations! Tell her you won’t be doing the invitations.

“I’m sorry…” I inhale. No. No.

“Like I said, don’t bother.” I can picture her shrugging and playing the victim.

There is a tingle in my back.

“The invitations!” Nicole mouths the words because she knows I’m freaking out.

A pathetic fucking loser. That’s what I am. That’s what I don’t want to be.

A tingle in my back.

My backbone is not growing.

A spine is not a thing that happens on its own.

You have to forge it.

So here goes nothing.

“I’m sorry,” I clear my throat, “But did you hit on my boyfriend at our parents anniversary?”

Oh fuck, oh wait!

I thought we were gonna talk about the invitations!

GRACE! Are you growing a spine or a nuke???

“What?” Gail asks. She is not faking boredom anymore!

“You heard me. When I brought Josh over did you do to him the same thing you did to Daniel?”

Holy shit. Grace, oh my God!

Nicole echoes my thought with her eyes.

“W-what?”

“Gail.” I take a deep breath. “Just this once let’s pretend that I’m not a stupid pushover and that you are not a self-entitled brat.” Oh my God, it’s a nuke. Hang up the phone. Hang up. “Just this once, let’s be honest. You know Daniel liked me. I’ve spoken to him many times about it, including recently. He liked ME, not you. But you liked him, so you got naked in front of him and-“

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Save it, Gail. Daniel told me what happened. He overheard you trying to give Josh your number and he gave me a heads up.”

“He is lying!”

“Josh confirmed it.” I bluff.

“I-I-I…”

“So, tell me again how I’m the one who can’t be counted on for something important. Twice in my life have I liked a boy and both times you tried to flirt with them. What is up with that?”

“I… I’ve never been this insulted! What are you insinuating?”

“I’m not insinuating anything, I just explicitly spit out every word. And now dad is saying something about how you and Josh would be a better fit?”

“How is that my fault?”

“Dad NEVER cared about anyone’s dating life. He only shows interest when you or mom make him. Like with Daniel. So that makes me wonder… have you been swooning over Josh in front of dad in hopes he will sprint into action to give his little girl whatever she wants like he always does?”

“Are you insane?”

“No, I’m quite lucid. And no, I will not be making your fucking invitations.” Fucking. I said the word fucking. In a fight. With my sister. “I’m done being free labour to you lot and getting nothing in return except low key insults. You already took my first love, my college funds and my dignity, you will take nothing else. Hire a designer with all the money you stole from me, or do a stick figure invitation on Paint MS, the design will be quite on par with your skills on running a store, which is none. It will be an apt invitation. You’re home, aren’t you? Is dad there?” 

Oh my God, it’s nuclear. The new spine is made out of enriched uranium.

“What are you doing?” Nicole holds my arms but I don’t know!

It doesn’t happen like this is the movies!

When Jenna Rink decided to redesign her magazine, she was happy and sure! She was like a missile with a clear target and a sole purpose! Everyone around her was intoxicated by her new found resolve!

I am not happy. I am not sure. I’m like napalm being accidentally dropped without any regard for civilian casualties. And Nicole is absolutely not intoxicated by my resolve.

“Grace, hang up the phone!” She panic whispers, but I shoo her away. I can’t mess with the coordinates right now! Not in the middle of the detonation.

I never had a spine before, is this normal?

Does it take over and just does whatever? Or have I been keeping it locked away for so long that now that it’s finally free it has decided to take revenge upon everything, me included?

“Grace?” Dad answers.

“Why don’t you love me?”

“Oh my God, Grace, hang up the phone.” Nicole is panicking.

“Excuse me?” He says.

“You are a smart, educated man. You can’t possibly think it’s normal to give one daughter who did NOT go to college TWO college funds, while making the daughter who IS going, do so under massive debt. You know Gail is gonna lose money on that apartment somehow and then bankrupt that store, right?”

“Grace, are you drunk?”

“Because that’s what Gail does, dad! She fucks things up!” Oh my God, I said the word fuck. In a fight. With my father. “She fucks it up and waits for you to bail her out, which you always do by sacrificing me more often than not. You clearly love her more so my question is why?”

“What…?” He hesitates. I think Gail is telling him something. I think he is listening. But it doesn’t take him long to come back. “Grace!” He is pissed. “Is this about that damned boy again? Break up with him! Immediately! He has you spending money on his pets! He is using you! You’re not the type of girl athletes date! I know this hurts to hear, but I don’t want to see my daughter being used by…”

“I’M GOING TO WESTRIDGE! For you! I fucking hate this place! I hate Law! I don’t want to be a lawyer! I am doing it FOR YOU. And you can’t even be bothered to let me have the funds you PROMISED me before I even applied? And for what? So that Gail can play businesswoman for the eight months it will take for her to go bankrupt? You care SO much about her but you don’t give a FUCK about how I’m paying for school. What if I become a stripper, daddy? Will you pay attention to me then?”

“You have to hang up the phone.” Nicole is jumping up and down around me. “This is not the way, Grace, hang up!”

“What did you say to me, young lady?”

“I said: STOP LOOKING AT MY CREDIT CARD BILL. You are not paying for it. You are not helping me with anything, not even with advice! Certainly not with words of encouragement. I am alone in the world, so leave me be. My credit card is my PRIVATE business as are my grades. I will change all my passwords and access, stay the FUCK AWAY from my stuff. Ok, daddy? Now...” I take a deep breath and Nicole has reached a state of existence where she is breathing through her eyes. “Is mom there? I’d like to talk to her.”

“You are not talking to your mother. Not like this! Are you on something? Did that boy give you drugs to-“

I hang up.

Without saying goodbye.

“Oh my fucking God on a bicycle going upside down underwater!” Nicole is just saying words and holding her stomach like she is about to vomit for the both of us. “What the hell are you doing?”

I feel no certainty.

I feel no surity, although I am sure that’s not a word.

All I feel is done.

I’m tired of taking shit from people.

So I won’t take it anymore.

“It’s done, Nic. I don’t want to hear it!”

“Grace! We should stand up for ourselves, you’re right! But there is a way to do these things!”

“What way? How would we know? We’ve never done it before!”

I open the door and, waiting for us inside our apartment is the symbolic blessing I was hoping the universe would give me.

Elle is making out with a guy on our couch. She is half naked. He is half naked. She is wearing — was wearing? — my clothes and some of them are torn on the floor. As in ruined. She also took some of my paint brushes, the fucking expensive ones, and made her date take it upon himself to find creative uses for my prized possessions.

My smile is that of a woman who has finally found murder to be an acceptable solution to a conflict.

“Get out.” I tell her.

“Fuck off.” She moans, making my brushes take residence in places they should have never visited.

“ELLEN!” Nicole is pissed too. She slams the door shut. “Can you go to your bedroom, at least?”

“Go wait outside!” She shouts at us. “I’m almost done.”

Nicole is lost somewhere between an ew and an “I can’t believe this.”

But I am a new woman. I have a spine now! And spines can handle a lot. Specially mine, haven’t you heard? It’s fucking radioactive.

“Ok then.” I am all peace and happiness when I go into her room and start grabbing her shit. I throw it all into the living room with no care or packing. 

“WHAT THE FUCK!” She runs after me, trying to stop me.

Oh, have your attention now, do I?

“You are out of this apartment.” I tell her. “You can do it the easy way: pack and go to a friend’s… or you can do it the humiliating way where I throw all your shit out into the hall, along with the used brushes, while screaming at the top of my lungs all the nasty things you’ve done to us, your friends and sex partners. We heard plenty living together, you know? People from other dorms will come out to see what’s up and your private shit will be all over tiktok by tomorrow, I’m sure. So which way is it gonna be?”

“You wouldn’t.” She calls my bluff.

“YOU GAVE THEO HERPES AND PRETENDED YOU GOT IT FROM HIM.” I shout, opening the door to throw her shit out.

“OK, OK, OK!” She closes the door and it is the FIRST time in my life that I see fear in Ellen’s eyes. I am sure I will pay for it soon enough… or maybe she will make someone else pay, as she often does, unleashing her bitterness onto the word whenever she is sad with no care for who would be the victim. But I can’t think about that. I want her gone NOW. “I’ll go!” She kicks the guy out and starts packing.

I keep staring at her while she works, arms crossed and tapping my foot on the floor.

It’s only after she is gone that I can smile again.

I turn to Nic to celebrate but she is lost between a smile and a frown.

“I got rid of her!”

“Yeah, I noticed.” She is unsure.

“What?”

“Grace, I’m all for you telling people the truth but there are a lot of numbers between 8 and 80. You don’t have to pick one or the other, you know?”

“I was standing up for myself!”

“I know, but…” She gestures to a bunch of Ellen’s stuff still left on the floor. “That’s not the last we’ll hear of Ellen and you know it. We were waiting for the lease to be over to avoid the fee AND her payback… that woman is horrible, she never hurts alone! Whenever she is sad she is always sure to inflict pain on others and maybe it won’t be us, but… maybe it will be.”

“If she comes for us we fight back”.

Nicole is a little scared and a little impressed.

Her frown slowly disappears and there it is: a smile only.

“I can’t believe you called your sister out like that.” She hides her laughter behind her hand. “It’s like you were high on something!”

“My father thinks Josh is giving me drugs.” I say and Nicole laughs so hard she almost sits on the couch. But she remembers what was happening there a second ago and saves herself before landing.

“Grace?” She pauses for a second. “Did you tell you father you were a stripper?”

We exchange a look and the laughing that follows is so fucking wonderful. It heals me.

“My spine needs training wheels.” I laugh. “Thank God I never made it to my mom. God knows what I would have told her.”

“Not gonna lie.” She is grasping for air. “Kinda wanna see that.”

“Yeah.” I am grasping for air too. But more than that… I think the coordinates really were part of the recipe because now that I’ve changed it my spine is dissolving, so whatever I gotta do, it needs to be done fast. “One more call to make though.”

“What call?”

I nod to myself.

“I’m gonna break up with Josh.”

Her happiness and pride, like mine, finds a small corner in her heart to hide while other issues take the stage.

“You’re really gonna do it?”

“Yeah.” I thought he was taking care of me. I believed it. But if any part of it was fake, then I don’t want it. He can be hotter than me, but I deserve better than this.

“Can I make a suggestion?”

“Sure.”

She comes closer, giving herself time to say what she needs to. Giving me time to get ready to hear it.

“Take a shower. Eat something. Think for a second. You can still break up with Josh in an hour.” She carefully says. “Just make sure you absolutely don’t want to forgive him.”

“Of course, I want to forgive him, Nic! We just talked about this! I forgive everyone!”

“Well…” Her smile is back a little. “Not anymore, right?”

I roll my eyes, trying not to smile because she is not right!

“I had an outburst, Nicky. It hardly qualifies as a core change.”

“It was a step, Grace, and I’m damn proud of you. Maybe part of learning how NOT to give everyone a break is learning some people do deserve one. And I mean… what has Josh ever done but deserve it.” She shrugs. “Tonight’s event not withstanding, he has been pretty great to you. So… maybe hear him out?” 

It makes sense.

No harm in waiting an hour.

I just need to cool off a little and, I mean… how much of a difference can one hour really make?

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Josh

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She is not taking my calls.

Which is good, I suppose, because I got no fucking clue as to what I would even say.

Benjamin told me to break up tonight and I didn’t do that, but I also didn’t not do that?

Grace is really fucking quick to accept rejection so there is always a chance this was the last I heard of her.

Which is not something I like.

I can taste bile.

I am so stressed that the quietness between every beat of my heart annoys me.

Everything is spinning out of place and Benjamin is taking forever to get cleaned up and ready to go.

“You didn’t have to wait.” He tells me when we meet around back.

“I had nowhere to go.”

“Where…” He looks around. “Where is Grace? Did you break up with her already?”

I feel so fucking uncomfortable in my own skin.

“Yeah. I mean, not really. But honestly, after the way we left it, all I have to do now is not call her. She will break us up all by herself.” Probably best. I don’t know if I can face Grace and say the actual words to break us up. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do that.

I sound sour which is a perfect mirror to what I feel.

I didn’t want it to end like this.

But I guess I didn’t want it to end at all, so…

“Good, man.” He squeezes my shoulder. He knows this was hard for me. He is probably the only one in the world who knows exactly how much. “I know it sucks because you liked her, but you can’t do this t-…”

“I know. Ok? I know.” I keep my hands in my pockets so he doesn’t notice my fists are clenched, but I don’t think it matters. Ben knows me well. He doesn’t need to see the state of my knuckles to know the state of my mind.

“Do you wanna get a drink?”

“Yeah, I think that would be smart.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?” We cross the street to a cheap looking bar that is currently crowded with his audience. Like me, everyone needs some alcohol after the shit they just witnessed. 

“Not much to talk about, man. It’s over.”

“Where are Hailey, Ty… and did I see Nash? Where did they go? Did you break up with them too?” He jokes but I am not in a joking mood, so it doesn’t land.

“Hailey and Nash went to get dinner somewhere. Tyler’s date was Grace’s friend, when that went sour, I just…”

“Apologized and told him to go?”

“He had a headache, courtesy of your play, I’m sure.”

“He did NOT say that.”

“He didn’t need to.” We grab a couple of seats by the bar because it’s the only ones left.

“Well, since you don’t want to talk about your failures, let’s talk about my achievements! How did you like it?”

“What achievements? That was horrible.”

“You always say that! What did everybody else say?”

“I don’t know… there was a lot of drama going on.” I rub the back of my neck. “Grace said she liked it.”

“Was she lying?” He laughs. “Her opinion isn’t exactly something to be trusted.”

“I don’t know. She said she meant it and to tell you something about an orange?”

“An orange?” He is confused.

“Yeah, about how you are like… an orange? I don’t know, she said you would understand it.”

He does. I can tell.

“Did she by chance say that I am not an orange?”

“Yeah, that could have been it.”

He chuckles. 

I too know him well. There is something on his mind.

“What?”

“Nothing, it’s just that…” He chuckles again. “That girl is alright.”

Oh, fuck that.

“Excuse me?”

“Yeah, I know she is a transphobe and an asshole, but like… she can really be sweet, you know?”

“Because of the orange comment?”

“If you knew what it meant, you would understand.”

“What does it mean?”

“You said my play was horrible, you can get fucked.” He orders us two beers. “It’s really hard to believe she could do those horrible things.”

“Are you seriously gonna give me that shit right now? You just told me to break up with her!”

“Yeah! And it was the right thing to do! But I’m surprised too, you know? I trust Arthur’s word and maybe I didn’t fall in love like you did, but… I liked Grace. I really liked her.”

“Alright, just shut up. Not another word from you.”

“You did good, man.” He taps my back and brings me in for a half hug. “You’re a good friend.”

I drink the rest of my beer in silence. 

People keep stopping by to congratulate Ben for being hot. They don’t say it like that, you know? They congratulate him for the play, but no way in fuck that’s what they really mean. They are congratulating him for looking damn good near naked and I’m glad they are because as long as he is busy with others, I can drink in silence.

Silence.

That was so anti-climatic.

I thought we would break up with great reveals. I thought I’d tell her about Arthur and she would cry. I thought she would lie. I thought I would believe her.

Instead we just… drifted in opposite directions to likely never speak again.

I stare at my beer before every sip.

I fell in love so fucking hard.

Never in my life have I felt this…

This belonging to someone. This need for them. This happiness that only exists for me when they are happy too.

But Ben is right. I can’t do this to Arthur.

Not for a liar, no matter how good she was.

I will fall out of love.

I finish my beer.

Ben follows me home. He says he wants to tell Art about the play but I think he is mostly worried about me. Or he was… because once we get home, everything — and I mean everything — changes.

“It wasn’t that bad!” Benjamin is still trying to sell me on the upsides of a play I just watched and know to not have any upsides. Although, maybe he is just trying to distract me. We both know it was the right thing to do but I am taking this Grace break up like I would any break up, and not one of a fake relationship with a transphobe, you know?

I’m down and, as is usual in break ups, I’m likely to keep falling before I hit rock bottom. So he lets me insult his work.

“I will say, without seeing your future plays, that this was the worst one of your career.” I challenge him.

“You can’t m-…” He is laughing. We open the door to my apartment and the words die in his lips.

Arthur is sitting on the floor.

On the corner.

Right after the couch ends.

It’s so silly that our first reaction is to laugh because… why would Arthur be sitting on the floor, on the corner right after the couch, right? 

“Are you drunk, bro?” Benjamin laughs, running inside to hug him.

“He is probably hiding so he doesn’t have to hear about it. Get up, Artie!” I chuckle. “Let me tell you all about the Pirates of the Many Suns. It was the most rid-“

“Josh.” Ben says.

Josh.

There is an urgency to the way he says my name.

Like what he actually meant was “shut up and get over here, it’s serious.”

So I shut up.

I get over there.

It’s serious.

“Art?”

I crouch because that’s what Ben did and he seems to know more about the situation than I do. Not a lot more, but still.

I lean down and that’s when I see his tears. Not quiet tear of shame or sadness like the ones he cried when Grace first pranked him. No. Arthur is crying. He has a silent scream trapped behind his throat and there are so much tears falling from his eyes that his eyelids are wet and heavy.

“Hey! Dude… what happened?” Me and Ben are quick to try to hug him but he wont budge.

“Art? Arthur?” Ben is getting more and more worried.

“Arthur? What is going on? Talk to us.” I lower my voice.

He inhales so we give him a second.

“W-when does it end?” He whispers.

“What?”

“When does it end?” He chokes. “When am I allowed to be the person that I am in peace? Am I really gonna have to deal with this shit my whole life?”

“Artie, what are you talking about?” I hold his arms. I notice his phone is in his hands, the screen is unlocked. A video is playing.

“She recorded me.” He says. “Your girl.” His laughter is sad and tainted by tears. “Did you upset her today by any chance?” He looks up at me, handing me his phone.

Benjamin clenches his jaw and we have a whole conversation through a single look.

Was I too late?

Did I hurt Art?

What did I do?

“Because this…” Arthur wipes his tears with his forearm. “This feels like revenge. This was evil.” He hides his eyes behind his hands.

I check the video playing on his phone.

It’s on social media. Some anonymous account.

There are about six or seven people coming and going, all of them are blurred out except for one: Arthur… who is naked. Or almost.

He has nothing but his boxers on and I know that is the most naked he has ever been in front of someone. And now it’s online.

Arthur, however, is not the only piece of the video that I recognize.

I know that apartment.

I know that couch.

I know that fucking avocado plushie.

There is bile coming up from my stomach, contaminating my entire throat and making me taste all that bitterness on my tongue.

The fucking cunt.

She recorded him.

I hurt her ego.

She uploaded it just to make someone else feel bad too.

She doesn’t even know I am close to Arthur. She did this just because she is cruel. Just for fun. To distract her from the fact she was upset.

I don’t see her, but she is the one behind the camera, I suspect. I can’t make out voices, they are talking at once and I can hear Arthur begging them to stop which is the sound that will be seared into my eardrums forever.

She is a great liar.

Holy shit, she is amazing at it.

She tricked Arthur all the way into getting naked.

She tricked me all the way into hurting my best friend.

My hand is grabbing the phone so hard I might snap it.

I try to focus on the other people on the video, but you can’t make them out as well as Arthur, he is the main focus of the recording. If it goes viral, soon enough social media will identify at least one of the people, then we can get the others. Arthur will press charges this time, he will have to.

But that’s not enough.

You can see his scars on the video.

On his chest.

He hated those scars. 

He has a taste for tattoos now but the first ones he got were to hide the scars, so when one of the imbeciles on the video tap his chest and says “Where are the tiddies!” to a laughing crowd, I want to commit murder.

My lips are trembling.

I feel myself drool like a rabid animal.

“Where is the man pussy?” the idiot on the video says and I… I think I recognize his voice?

Say something else.

Is it… it it the dude from tonight?

Grace’s friend. Jasper. The one who called her gorgeous. The one she called a surprisingly nice guy or some other shit.

The one I suspect to be Jasper turns to the video and says:

“You hooked up with a woman, gorgeous.” It’s him.

I want to throw up.

I hand the phone to Benjamin.

“I need to use your apartment.” I tell him. “She still thinks I live there.”

“What?” He too is considering murder. “We gotta find these people.” He is nearly spitting. “Can you get someone to bail us out?” He already knows how that encounter will end.

“Something I gotta do first.” I stand, remembering my very first promise. My very first instinct. The one I never should have tried to hide.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m gonna ruin that chick tonight.” I promise one last time. “I’m gonna fucking wreck her.”

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