Suffering really badly today with my depression.

So I’m 13 months PP, I didn’t really think I had PPD but I was feeling some baby blues during the newborn stage. Now I’m pregnant again and for a few key reasons I’m not going thru with the pregnancy.

When I initially told my partner, he wanted to keep the pregnancy even though I didn’t really want to. Then a week later he texted me and let me know that something is telling him “in his spirit” that having another baby is not a good idea rn. I agree so I scheduled my appointment for today. I was kind of relieved but also a little hurt because he just changed his mind like that but nevertheless I’m GLAD he did. He can be kind of wishy washy. I am the sole caretaker of our son, he doesn’t live with us yet due to his job being in another city and is just too far for a daily commute (he crashes at his dads while working thru the week). I’ve tried to help him find a job closer but the job kind of sucks right now TBH.

Fast forward to this morning I’m getting my abortion today, I have to bring my son btw since I have no daycare or anyone to watch him that’s close enough. It’s weighing on me pretty heavily. I feel horrible and my depression is telling me I’m a horrible person, an irresponsible person, a stupid person for even being in this predicament in my life. I truly believe that too. Everything is just hitting the fan for me this morning, I woke up out of a dead sleep and bursted into tears not just because of the abortion but everything.I’m the only parent here daily with our son. Everything falls on me. Nothing is seeming like it’ll get better only that it’s getting harder. Him not living with us is taking its toll on me mentally. He keeps saying he will be coming out here but our son is 13 months now I don’t really think it’ll happen at this point and I’m starting to not even want him around. I’m raising him alone and he makes me feel like I signed up for this sometimes so why am I even complaining?

I seriously have no hope for my future that it’ll ever get better. I’m starting to feel like I’m one of those ppl just destined to have a shitty life, never be happy. I cry almost everyday. I feel like I’m failing as a mom as I struggle to keep a clean home everyday, I don’t sleep much anymore. I rarely get alone time or time to hang with my best-friend we even have plans coming up next month to go to a concert, I’m not even sure I’ll be able to go yet. I’m a single mom even though I’m with my son’s dad.He is never here throughout the week. I do it all ALONE. I just want to disappear for like a week.