I don't know what I'm even doing anymore

okay so, i dont want to talk to any crisis lines, i highly doubt my mom wants to pay for a psychologist anymore, the waiting line for mental health services at my cegep is too long, and i didnt like talking to the only social worker i could talk to for free at the clinic i go to. i dont feel like i can talk to friends cuz i keep ghosting them, when i talk about it to my family they just get upset so i cant talk about it to them. there is nobody that i feel like i can just talk to about this constant weight on my chest. i feel completely isolated. im always suicidal... all the time im so tired. im also so tired of using tools why do I need to keep managing ts? I keep forgetting to get my meds from the pharmacy, not that they do anything. im on my third or 4th kind I think. I don't want to do anything anymore I can barely keep any relationship because im exhausted all the time. do I even want help anymore? idk everything seems like so much effort even school sucks, I fucked up my grades so bad during the 1st and 1nd semester its gonna take 90s to get a decent r score. I was never a 90s student I doubt i can do it consistently im so fucked