Recentering after a loss made me question my family

I’ve been a SAHM for almost a decade. My husband goes from working 9-2 in the winter to 9-10 or later in the warmer months. I have cried, I have told him I hate his job, I have begged for help. This past summer I was the sole caretaker for my mom on hospice, managing the house, the kids, four animals, and asked him and my adult step daughter to start up a rotation to help me with the bathroom. One room. In the entire house. I basically asked them to clean one room once a month to slightly reduce my load. They did it once each and it’s been my responsibility ever since. When my mom died, and then my dog soon after, my friends all rallied. They ran to be by my side, they cleaned the house, ordered food, bathed my kids, tucked them in and let me cry. My family didn’t do any of that. My stepdaughter even once walked past my friends deep cleaning while I cried on the couch and told them “this is so beautiful” as she was on her way out the door. Adult women with their own spouses and kids and homes and LIVES made time for me, and not my own family.

I’ve spent the past 5 months being more vulnerable than I ever have, begging for help. I have cried. I have explained my feelings. I have directly asked for exactly what I need. And all I get is this tearful, we had no idea, we’re going to help you more, we’re so sorry, and then nothing.

And I just… don’t care anymore. My husband says all the right things, but it’s clear he feels housework is beneath him because he pays the bills. My step daughter clearly feels that since they have me, she doesn’t need to do anything around the house either. Currently we’re all at war because she flunked out of school last semester and is in appeals, so we told her until she’s enrolled full time in school she now has bills she is responsible for. She’s been spending weeks trying to guilt my husband and make him feel horrible for…. Treating her like the adult she wants to be so bad.

And I’m good. I’m done begging. I’ve been shown over and over that what I do is unimportant and unappreciated. So I stopped doing all the extra. I used to make my husband a nicely plated dinner every night. Now he can make his own plate and put the leftovers away, while he’s at it. I used to lay out clean clothes and a towel in the bathroom when he got home from a long day. I don’t do that anymore, and I actually don’t care if you don’t have clean underwear or pants or whatever. Sounds like you need to do laundry. I used to think my husband was the most incredible thing on this earth, wanted to have sex with him every day. I told him so many times I just wanted to feel wanted. I don’t initiate anymore, and if his “initiating” is reaching over and grabbing my tit when I’m in bed reading, I won’t be responding. I’m not a maid. I’m not a sex doll. I’m not here to serve. I take care of my things and the little kid’s things. I’m no longer worried about grown adults who feel that they have no responsibility to contribute to this household.

I have offered to go to work. My husband is unwilling to work less, work closer to home, or to take on a true 50% of the household responsibilities.

The reality is, I’m not going to leave. We are happy. I do adore him. We really do have a good marriage. He’s kind, and loving, and a great dad. A lot of the time, I really like being super mom. I like having the whole house cleaned and smelling good and dinner made and a fresh baked cake for after. I like feeling like I can do it all. The few fights we’ve ever had all stem from me, my feelings, the way I feel unsupported. Everyone else is just fine with things being the way they are. And while I have been struggling, dealing with grief, not even wanting to get out of bed, no one wanted to take care of me. It was incredibly inconvenient. So many things were just left for me to take care of “when I felt better”. Ok. I feel better. And I’m not doing a damn thing for grown adults perfectly capable of taking care of their own shit.

I give up on arguing. I give up on crying. I give up on asking. I give up on “just tell me what you need me to do and I’ll do it!” And the eye rolls when what I need them to do isn’t something they want to do. I’m good. I’m recentering. If no one in my life is going to worry about me but me, so be it. I will take care of me. I’m not doing anything extra anymore.

A lot of times on Reddit the answer is “leave him!” I’m not going to. I don’t want to. I love him. But I can’t keep spreading myself so thin hoping someone will notice and pick up the pieces. So I am reframing how I look at this. I am home to take care of our children. I will do the things necessary to facilitate taking care of our children, because *that is why I am here*. I am not a SAHM to be a maid to everyone else. And I don’t have to be. I took on too much, and everyone got complacent. That was my mistake. But I’m not doing it anymore. 3 adults living in a home, and only one is responsible for laundry and dishes and dinners and a clean bathroom? Not anymore.