Reversing

I've been eating normally, i tried suppressing any thoughts. I think i did pretty great, i haven't been restricting. But the thoughts are not restricting, i think my ed is just spiraling to another path. 6 years of my life ive only thought of restricting, yes, there was changes, but it doesn't really get to a concerning point, and because of that my ed feels so invalidating and so i keep accumulating bad habits. Now that im finally changing and suppressing any restrictive habits, I know this will turn into something else. Im fully aware that im deliberately doing this eating a lot so that i could see some changes with my body, i mean a real drastic change, which i think will only ever happen if i get to an unhealthy bigger body and then revive my restrictive thoughts if it gets to a point. Because i have witnessed that you can only feel validated or praised if you get from fat/obese and then drop down drastically. I can't stop this because i don't want to. Sorry if im not promoting recovery but i just really wanna get this off my chest although i doubt it would help.