Coming out to your family

Usually it is teenagers who have this issue, so this will be an odd post, but here it goes. Hi. I am 32 and married and living abroad, away from my birth family, and I am absolutely shaking about and also simultaneously feeling a growing need to come out to said birth family.

For context: they are italian. Not italian american. As italian as it gets, meaning they just started acknowledging queer people exist and are people and grew up in a culture of rather intense transphobia, and mostly live in genderland where men are manly men football and gym and women are delicate pink lilac ballet shoes volleyball kinda deal.

My mother in particular, despite being more open minded than average about queer people for her generation, lives in genderland. Her husband is a transphobe who just recently started working on his homophobia.

And then there is me. Bi-ace, agender, married to a nonbinary transmasc person who passes as cis enough that in four years they never suspected a thing (thank the gods).

Thing is, I have huge top dysphoria, and would like to pursue top surgery, either by setting money aside to get it done privately, or by attempting to pursue it through public healthcare.

And I have a big chest (DD/E) so everyone will notice.

My mother loves big breasts, it runs in the family and she takes it a badge of pride that I have them. It is a very weird attitude where she sees my body as something she made, and gets hurt or take offence when I declare not to like something about it that is not socially acceptable to change like hair colour is.

Lately, I had a talk with her about a friend of mine, who is transmasc nonbinary and has gone on hormones before top surgery. She commented that while she struggles to understand those things, ultimately people must follow their own nature, and my friend was responsible and and adult who obviously gave this a lot of thought. I was reassured and very proud of her growth, but there was the underlying question: would you say this about me? I asked her hypothetically, and she said she would be shaken but ultimately she loves me so there is that.

Which brought back my growing need to tell her, to just tell her and be done and get this top surgery with my inheritance money so I am done suffering on this front and getting back pain as a side dish. But I am afraid. I am so afraid. You do not undo thirty years of living in fear of being found out (I knew I was not a girl when I was four, it is one of my strongest early memories) in one month.

And I realized... I do not even know where to start with telling her. We live far away from each other (12hrs away to be exact, not by car or foot), she has general anxiety, and I have social anxiety. She loves talking to me, but in the past sometimes she has been pushy about things she did not like or accept, and stuck in her own ideas (example: my husband is on disability and cannot work due to their disability, she knows this, but keeps asking me when they are getting a job).

I do not know what to do. I still feel like a little kid who needs her permission to live (she was a bit of an anxious parent while at the same time inflicting some good old parentification on me), and younger people keep telling me to just tell her and that it is ridiculous at my age that I still cannot do what I want.

But if she rejects me I am going to lose the biggest source of support I have after my husband. We live in a remote area, so we do not really have friends around, and my mother has always offered us help when we needed. I like talking to her nearly every day. We used to argue all the time, I do not want to be back to that stage.

Does anyone have any advice on this or is there anyone who went through a similar experience?