How can I (M42) change to be the loving, supportive husband invested in the relationship that my wife (F40) deserves ?

I'm not sure how much context is necessary, but here's my situation: I (M42) am married to my wife (F40) and we have a kid.

We had an argument last weekend. My wife had clearly been upset by a video explaining why it's hard to leave a good man (someone who isn't abusive, is intelligent, open-minded, a feminist ally, handles household tasks, etc.) but who doesn't actually invest in the romantic relationship itself anymore.

Technically it was two videos. The first one was about partners who do everything right but don't manage shared responsibilities. I disagreed and stupidly dismissed the video, which hurt more my already hurt wife because she didn't feel heard. Right after that, she showed me a second video about partners who do everything right except they've let the relationship itself go on autopilot. Who no longer take initiative. And that one... that one hit home. I had to admit it was true.

The thing is, this is a recurring pattern for me. Probably something I can't seem to shake. Something I haven't directly worked on with my therapist. Though I immediately made an emergency appointment to address it.

My wife is at her breaking point. She told me she can't take having to explain all of this to me anymore. That she's leaving it up to me to make a lasting change, because if I don't, will come a moment when she'll be out for good.

And I get it. It's been a few days since the argument, and I've come to realize that I've always had this maddening habit of going on autopilot when it comes to taking initiative and keeping our relationship alive. I make an effort, it lasts a little while, but I don't know how to handle rejection or failure. And instead of figuring out what went wrong and understanding why something was turned down or didn't work so I can adapt and try something else, I get discouraged and withdraw.

That can't keep happening. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to permanently change this behavior. I figure it's like anything else: it's a learning process, so I need to find information, exercises, and practice.

I've already found a few approaches that seem realistic and make sense to me. It's not really about doing more. It's about doing better and to not give up. Showing her that I care about her. That she's the woman I love and want to keep building a life with, and that we can be happy together.

So here's my question: Have you been in a similar situation? What did you do? Did it work? What did you take away from it?

Do you have any book recommendations, documented information and/or exercises?

What would you do if you were in my shoes?