Hardship in long distance relationship (25F & 24M)

Me (25F) and my boyfriend (24M) have been dating for almost 4 years. The first couple years of our relationship were really good, the biggest issue we had at times was learning good communication method but that felt like a hurdle we passed. A year and a half ago we had moved in together for one year. It was really, really nice in the beginning, but around halfway through our lease we kind of began to fall into the roommate phase. I was busy applying to grad school and in some of my free time I was also prioritizing time with friends. I didn’t realize how much he felt he was on the back burner until I feel like he had built up some resentment against me. One thing about my boyfriend is sometimes it’s like pulling teeth to get him to talk about his emotions, or I feel he will subtly brings things up rather than have a discussion about them, so I guess when he had brought stuff up prior it didn’t feel as serious to me, which is a me issue.

Anyways, while I was applying to grad school, which was known between both of us that I would most likely need to move out of state, he got a job offer also out of state and accepted. He really didn’t consult me about it at all, but l was happy for him. This was also before I got into grad school. There was a month where we actually didn’t think I got into any programs, and so I started applying to jobs that were all around but hoping to get one in the area his new job was at. I ended up getting in and so now we are long distance (LD) by about 8 hours/500 miles and it’s been this way for about 6 months.

Things have really gone to shit since the long distance. I feel like there is always an issue, but it’s always an issue he has with me. First, he had never gotten over me spending time with my friends and putting him more on the back burner, so the first time we saw each other in person after LD we had to hash that out. Not fun, but got resolved. Then, I had a weekend where I went out with friends in my new state, and the next weekend was Halloween. He didn’t like how much I was going out (this back to back weekend stuff was an anamoly however), and on Halloween he was being a bit controlling - telling me what I can and can’t wear, when I should be home. I was honestly annoyed that he was trying to tell me what to do, so I just enjoyed my night while keeping him updated. He lost it, and was the most pissed off he’d ever been at me because I got home later than I said I would. Note that, I acknowledged when he said he wanted me home, but I never said that I agreed to his restrictions, it was Halloween! I’m not saying that was right of me. He went out for Halloween the next day, and I learned around a month later he kissed someone while he was out that night.

In between learning of that, he had visited me and tried to break up with me, then decided we needed a break, and made me feel so awful about staying out late on Halloween, meanwhile he was really projecting because the whole time he hadn’t told me he kissed someone else. I love him so much and wanted to make it work, that I very carefully mended the relationship, and things seemed a lot better. The holidays were okay, and then we spent the new year together in person and that was nice.

Mid January, I returned to my new state and things seemed okay long distance wise, but I felt like my emotional needs weren’t getting met. He infrequently says he loves me, never says he misses me, and overall just doesn’t show me much affection through words and emotions. He claims his love language is acts of service and physical touch, but that’s hard to feel LD.

Anyways, we just saw each other for Valentine’s weekend which his birthday also fell on. It was good, but the day we spent with his friends he got mad at me. I had been talking to his friends and we got in a conversation about girls caring about guys height and I had mentioned how it’s only really bad when a guy lies about his height, and how one time I went on a date and the guy lied and was shorter than me. He also had lied to people about how we met (we met on a dating app) and somehow that got grouch up and I was laughing asking him what he had told other people. Apparently this made him feel on the spot, and he doesn’t like me talking about past dating experiences (but I feel like I only said I went on a date with a guy who lied about his height, over 4 years ago?). I got defensive in the car when he called me out and I brought up some out of context stuff (like how I feel he doesn’t integrate me with his family), and I shouldn’t have done that, I think I just have been feeling so emotionally neglected.

He was so pissed at me that he didn’t really talk to me at all for two days because of my defensiveness, calling it just my nature and that’s is so draining. And I get that, that can be draining. But I also feel like he takes something that, yes annoying, to such a large extent. So then, I called him, and he’s acting like he’s so done with the relationship because I got defensive. Mind you, there were other things he didn’t like that I changed - he would say I would have a tone, we set a boundary for a time to be back when going out (which I have followed but he has broken almost every single time) and yet I get defensive one time and apparently I’m the most draining person to be around and it’s “just my nature”. Then we talked about long distance and he was being so negative about it - I’m trying to come up with ideas on how to be connected, and he’s just giving nothing. I already cried like 3 times on the phone and at that point I was just so done seeing as I was the only one making any effort.

So I started to really start sobbing and decided to say unless he had anything else to talk about I was going to get off the phone. Now, when he can tell that I’m just getting kind of done, he starts saying I’m not a bad girlfriend, he appreciates me and the fact that I don’t give up on us, that he loves me, and he starts crying. And I’m just at the point where I don’t know what to do. I do really love him. The majority of our relationship has been beautiful - lots of love, trips, and fond memories together. But the past year has been so hard, and I feel like I’m the only one fighting for us. I don’t want to lose him, but I’m not sure if there is even anything I can do or if there is anything redeeming in this relationship anymore. Outside of all the other stuff, my heart feels so heavy so often because I feel like I pour so much effort and love into him, and I get almost nothing back. Idk.

TLDR; things have soured in the past year, I feel like I’m the only one putting in effort and support, he gets really mad at me for mistakes I make and I feel creates more conflict than the initial conflict

Also using throwaway because I use my other account too much lol