I've always realized and accepted what my life would've been even in such a young age, I guess growing up as an outcast with severe mommy issues really could mess you all up inside 

When I was younger, I was always ignored everywhere I go and I never knew why, kids my age bullied me and found me really weird for having some unknown interests and I still pretty much don't get why they would bully me over that

My mom never loved me, she always showed fake sympathy for me which turned me into an attention seeking person online, when I was younger, I talked with older women online and obviously got groomed many times 

I got sexually harassed in real life by my friends as well in highschool, it was traumatizing but whatever, it had already happened and I had no choice because they threatened to kill me if I told someone, so I never did

I did date a lot, both online and in real life, surprisingly my first kiss was just 2 years ago and she was my first ever in real life girlfriend, I look like a lose then, huh?

No relationships really stayed that long, maybe I really am just the problem at this point then? there's no denying of it

I've been single since October 4th, 2024, that's when I broke up with my ex girlfriend because I found out she was cheating on me with her boy best friend that sent me death threats back then and guess what? she defended him so like yeah wow haha

I have a lot of hobbies just to distract myself from my suicidal tendencies actually, my top hobby is obviously art, I play instruments too, like guitar and piano but like I'm more of a guitarist though so 

I'm always in the internet cafe, that's my safety fortress away from home and my toxic family at this point, not gonna lie

Back in July-October 2024, I got actually admitted to the Psychward, all because of my failed suicide attempts, such as overdosing and cutting myself, Psychward doesn't help and so does my antipsychotics, I've stopped taking mine since last year and my new psychiatrist isn't always around so whatever I guess 

I've always had a strong desire to be loved and held until I fall asleep in the person's arms, I would really love to meet someone who would actually understand me and love me unconditionally, it's okay whoever it may be, I just want to feel loved, but that's really impossible so I really don't know anymore.

I'm nothing but an unloveable loser with no taste for a little bit of happiness in life