ive liked one of my closest friends for over a year. im at my limit

this past year’s been kinda rough so here’s the important parts.

around sept 2024 i (21f) finally got into a social circle and from then until july 2025 i was constantly doing something. because i wasn’t used to having friends, i focused on it way too much and kinda took my family for granted. my self esteem was low so i got used to embarrassing myself to be “funny” and putting up with bad friendships just so i wouldn’t feel alone. i knew a lot of people and felt popular, but nothing was really deep.

i met this guy (23m) summer 2024 and got close to him in the fall. i wasn’t used to a guy taking a real personal interest in me. he didn’t just listen to me, he opened up to me too, and i felt really honoured that he trusted me with things about himself and his family. i appreciated his time and opinions so much that i eventually became kind of overbearing, then backed off.

after a few months i realized i liked him, not because i found him attractive at first, but because of who he is as a person. i just really loved being around him and constantly looked forward to the next time i’d see him.

the problem was he liked someone else, and i didn’t even want a relationship. i tried really hard to get rid of my feelings and even encouraged things with other girls because i valued our friendship more.

but it was really bad for my mental health. there was other stuff going on in my life and after months of emotional buildup i ended up humiliating myself at a party and basically disappeared for a while.

when i started coming back, i thought seeing him less meant i was finally free. but now my social anxiety is awful. i used to be loud and outgoing and now i clam up, shake, and feel like my chest is going to cave in under the pressure when i’m around people.

i don’t hate myself anymore and i’m proud of myself for focusing on myself and my family and getting more stable. but the life i spent almost a year building feels like a waste because of this.

and after seeing him again, i know the feelings are still there. i don’t even want a relationship, but i feel so alone and unlovable. i’ve tried to replace the feelings and i can’t. theyre just there and theyre aimless and weighing me down

he’s one of my closest friends and one of the only people i don’t feel foreign around because he actually took the time to get to know me. but knowing i wouldn’t even really be an option for him hurts so much, and i’m scared i’ll fall back into how i felt last year every time i see him.

i don’t know what to do. the feelings just won’t go away. i wish i could properly illustrate how much i care about him man. i have always been extremely emotional. it feels like its written in my bones