I (34F) want to keep my night shift, despite husband (38M) thinking we'd have a better life if I don't

First time ever posting, please be gentle!

I'm desperately seeking some advice- my life, my marriage, my job; it's all up in arms at the moment.

I, 34F have been happily married to "John" 38M, for 2 years, together for 12. I have a daughter "Rose" (14) from a previous relationship, her dad is in the picture, but only to look good for other people, so she doesn't really see him. Rose and I, on the other hand, have the best relationship I could ever ask for- we're like long lost friends who found each other again. Don't get me wrong, sometimes she's a typical teen, and annoys the hell out of me, but for the most part, she's great

Background info-.

So, I've always worked nights. Whether it's evenings, lates, or full blown 6pm- 6am shift- I love it! It takes a special kind of person to actually enjoy night shift, but I truly come alive in the night. Anyway, 2 years ago, I got into a major car crash (head on collision) on my way home from work, and needless to say, I was terrified to ever get on the road again. It took me 4 weeks just to go outside because in my mind "that's where the cars are". Which, considering my job was driving at the time, was pretty hard to take. I loved being in control of the open road, feeling the power of the corners. Since the accident, I've found that I can no longer drive a manual car and it really has depressed me, since automatic cars are boring, imo.

Six months later, I'm back driving! Yay for me, right? Wrong- I felt like the smallest person on the road, despite a massive SUV. I was second guessing every move I, or everyone else made. In my head, I was going to have someone hit me every time I ventured out.

In my infinite wisdom, I woke up one day and answered my own question- "how can I be the safest & biggest thing on the road?" So, I applied for my lorry licence! I funded it myself, and it was the hardest thing I'd ever done, but come Jan 2025 I was officially a C+E licence holder. Turns out, the licence wasn't the hardest part- it was finding a company to hire someone who had zero experience with anything in the haulage industry, in a world that is male dominated. Close to 2000 applications, and every morning- waking up to more rejections, I felt like I'd made a massive mistake. But, one day, in Feb 2025 I got my chance. One interview, one driving assessment and I was offered the job with full training. However, there was 1 question from my interviewing manager- do you want days or nights? It wasn't a difficult one, I practically bit his hand off for nights. The trouble I had was commuting- 45 minutes with no traffic and up to two hours if there was an accident. John was great and sympathetic to my situation, as he always had been and he could see how it was taking its toll 6 months later. We put a plan in place, and in December 2025 we moved house to just 10 minutes to my work- it is fantastic! I feel refreshed, I don't set alarms, and if I have a late finish, I can still get the sleep I need without missing out on seeing Rose when she gets home from school.

This is where I need advice.

John has mentioned for a few years about joining the military, he's an engineer by trade and wants a fresh start and something more stimulating for him- which I love for him! The cut off for joining is 39 in his field, so I guess it was time to bite the bullet. He filled his application, and it's highly likely he'll be off around April this year. But his stance on things are massively skewed right now, some recent comments are;

"I only applied because I don't see you, I'm depressed"

"You need to be home more"

"A young girl needs a mum around her" << this one really pissed me off

These past two weeks, something has been brewing. John has been distant, making comments about Rose "needing to get out of the house", and seeing what plans she had for school break (she was waiting to hear back from her dad, who predictably passed up another opportunity to see his daughter). She confided in me, saying she felt unwelcome at home, so I passed the message on. I was not expecting the blow out that followed. It turned into a one way conversation about how, if I wanted to continue my career, it had to be on day shift.

"I won't be hanging around much longer if this doesn't get sorted"- okay, put divorce on the table straight from the off

"I'm not a parent"- no one asked you to be, she's self sufficient and as of late has made it her mission to stay out of your way

"You'd be home more"- I wouldn't, I get 15 hours a day to get my job done and drive back to work, if I can't do that because of accidents, I'm sleeping in the truck

"I don't feel comfortable when it's just me and Rose"- if you see her as anything other than your daughter, I'm not the issue

"You'll be here if Rose needs you"- I think the chances of her breaking her leg at 3am are are lot less than her needing to be picked up from school if she's ill. Sorry, -school- I'm 4 hours away, just put up with it

"I've put up with it for a year, I thought you'd get the hint"- well, no, the licence didn't come with mind reading as an extra

"We moved to be closer to your work, I thought you'd do this for me"- I can't even.

There was a whole host of reasons, but none of them made sense. I realised I was fighting a losing battle, I love my husband dearly and put in a request for day shift, despite me trying to explain to him the stress between driving something quite literally 20 times the size of a small car in the day light with every other on the road and driving at night where there's only a small amount of lunatics on the road at the same time as me is polar opposites. I've been told by work that there are no day shifts available at the moment, but he did let me know it was a 16k paycut. I didn't know it was that much!

I passed this info to John, who wasn't really impressed and didn't seem grateful that it "had to get this far for you to do something about it". And asked if work could accommodate me for a month or so before he leaves for the military. Things were already heated, so I told him that if there's no available spaces then I can't just move over. His response? "I didn't ask you to do that". Now, I know what gaslighting looks like, and I'm not going crazy. I never expected that kind of a response. In the mean time while I wait, I suggested he stay at a hotel for a few nights so he can "rest away from Rose", because according to him, (Dr. John) the anxiety from him being around her is stopping him from sleeping and relaxing properly. He jumped at the chance, and made a point of saying how well it worked. He was due back home Wednesday night this week, Rose was still home and I was questioned what was happening with her as schools are still off at the moment.

I was at a loss, Rose was a mess, emotionally and I couldn't see her like that, she blamed herself for making John feel like that and I needed to give her a space where she could decompress with no stressors, including myself. I called my mother Tuesday afternoon, who I'd not spoken with for a long time but Rose has a good relationship with and told her point blank "shit has gone down, can I bring Rose to you?" She didn't hesitate and I managed to get a short shift at work, so at 1:30am Wednesday morning, we drove the 3 hours there, where I dropped her off and had a sad goodbye, letting her know I was sorry that things happened and I couldn't control it.

On the way back home, I felt nothing- I didn't feel angry or upset, I didn't feel excited at the potential of seeing my dearest love again. I felt nothing. I barely slept and luckily had someone beside me last night to drive a while, so I could chill. I spoke to John briefly, he didn't mention Rose, or my midnight escapades, just asked how I was and got a short reply of "tired". Today when I came home, and slipped into bed, I kept myself to myself and passed out into a coma. I've since woken up to a lovely message from John, as if nothing had ever happened. I feel like I've had whiplash from the turning to and fro.

I don't see a way out, and I'm hoping an outside perspective will help me understand.

I don't want to go onto day shift, Rose loves her independence and her time alone in the evening, she loves seeing me after school and "giving me the tea" of her day. To be clear, I trust her at night and she makes the right choices when alone. This is why im so confused about John's comments about Rose, he clearly doesn't know her like he thinks he does.

If I do go on to a day shift, John will be gone in a little over 4 weeks, in which case I'm stuck- I don't think work would be so accommodating for me to swap and change like the weather. So, he's blown in like a storm, and myself and Rose are left to pick up the pieces.

Do I ruin my sanity and hop onto days? Or do I run the risk of John trying to control the narrative, despite him about to get stationed hundreds of miles away?

Honestly, any feedback or comments or help are welcomed with open arms, and if there's anything I've missed, I'll happily update. Thank you in advance for reading this shitshow.