"the only reason i am still alive is literally plot armor and spite!!".

Picture this: Minato is somehow back to life, and in this AU at least, as expected, Naruto is not happy to see him at all.

They argue, Minato saying he had to do what he had to do to save the village and Naruto saying that fuck his heroic duty; it does not change the fact his life was shit because of it.

Minato, in his infinite dumbassery, tells Naruto it couldn't have been that bad. Naruto then proceeds to tell Minato all the shit he went through because of him, all the abuse, the starvation, and the many, many times Minato's precious villages almost killed him.

Also, Naruto points out to his idiot of a father that the only reason the masked man didn't come back to finish the job he started was literally the Sage of Six Paths pulling strings from the afterlife, because Jiraiya was god knows where collecting STDs like trading cards, Tsunade was getting drunk in some shithole three countries away, Hiruzen lacked a spine, and the angst-ridden suicidal teenager ANBU that Kakashi was too busy trying to kill himself via missions while being Danzo's lap bitch!

Minato asks Naruto if he knew about the filings of the people close to him, but he still had the ANBU detail assigned to him, and Naruto asks if he means the shitheads that loudly brag about not showing up to their job so someone could kill the demon brat.

Naruto then proceeds to tell Minato the only reason he is still alive today is spite and plot armor, because if he depended on his deadbeat sperm donor, his deadbeat friends, and this hellhole of a village, he would be six feet under, which in hindsight, wouldn't be that bad because at least he would get to spend some quality time with his mom in the Pure Lands before going back into the cycle of reincarnation.