When the reality kicks in that I really have depression...

I wish I never had depression. I know there's probably hundreds of post here where we all state how much we wish we never had depression but holy shit I genuinely wish I didn't even know so much as the word "depression". Im always here thinking "dang, whats its like to be "normal?." Whats it like to still have bad things happen and get over it without fixating on it? It's sometimes so hard to imagine that there are people out there who are actually "mentally healthy" and not constantly down or replaying every single bad thing they've done since 2012. Not to be too pessimistic (ironic) but when all is said and done, depression is a chronic thing and what hurts me the most is that this never ever goes way. There's no permanent fix for depression, just like certain chronic physical illness with treatments, you can only go into remission while it lays dormant, ready to strike at any moment. Sometimes I'll sit and think "why me?", "why do I have to carry this?","why can't my brain works the way its supposed to work?." Idk I guess this is one of these waves of self awareness I get every once in a while. Wishing everyone struggling with this debilitating illness all the best.