Long, but please read and input

I need help figuring out what to do, who's the problem. I am 30f and he is 33m. We've been together since 2018, got married in 21. When we met in 2018, I became pregnant with him 1 month after meeting with our daughter. He seemed like a good guy, worked a lot, he got my family's blessing and my great grandmas ring. About six months into actually knowing him I grew doubts of us. He talked me into quitting my job i like because the fumes at the factory possibly not safe for pregnancy. We moved back to my home town about 35 minutes away to be closer to my family. Also he technically was being evicted for not paying rent where he was when i met him. Of course i didnt know that when i met him. But i got us a good deal on renting us a house near my family. We didnt have me get a new job and i stayed home pregnant. His junk car that he had a large payment monthly on due to bad credit broke down and he had to start using my car. It was like new, i had just got it before meeting him and signed a loan. Once we had me quit my job my mom took over the monthly payment to help us. So i was carless and had a new born and couldnt work because we couldnt afford child care and i didnt have a car. Of course we started having more problems.

Over money and dumb things. I started getting mad we could barley afford our bills, i had no food at home to eat, and he would spend decent money every day on hiself at work. I would go to churchs for help with food and have to eat whatever i could while hes buying beer, fast food, energy drinks, new chargers if he forgot his, headache medicine, basically whatever he felt like daily. He started doing white lies about money even. While our daughter was a baby I did full care and had to sleep in our first story on a couch so her waking in the night didn't bother his sleep. If she would cry he would get angry and yell and occasionally come stomping down stairs yelling at me for taking care of her wrong and thats why shes crying. I walked on egg shells afraid of her crying. I always hated conflict. Even during the day he would get annoyed and swaddle her so hard i would get scared. It caused fights.

Fast forward we moved into my moms basment because people i knew were whilling to give us an amazing deal on a house. It needed redone to live in it but the price and rent to own was un beatable. So we lived with my parents, him working and me basically spending every day all day working on this house. Im the handy one. I found deals on market place, my mom helped buy things, my church people gave me our entire kitchen set up of apliances. Stove fridge microwave dishwasher. I found kitchen cabinets for free. We used my parents trailer. I did all the floors in our house, our drywall, trim. We did have the bathroom totally taken down and built it bigger. My husband did help with deconstruction all over, hes a big guy with a lot of strength but all the building was basically me. He would get off work and just try to be my cheer leader with some beer.

We did have fights at my parents too. If they even walked to the kitchen from there bedroom he would get all pissy he could hear them walk and couldnt sleep. Mind you he woke up at like 3-4 for his job shift so this anger was from 7-9 at night whenever he would try to go to bed. So once we moved into our house i was so greatful i could quit hearing complaints of my family. It was only 6 months total staying there and renovating. But our fights continued into our new home. Money, how to treat our daughter, his daily habits, not helping me. I have taken on full accountability of our daughter, our house, our yard, i have had jobs here and there. Babysitting, hardees, working for my moms buisness. I needed jobs with complete flexibility so i could do everything else. Which is extremely hard to find and it was a few years of him having my car sobi really had no options. Over the years my husband switched jobs a few times and got better paying ones, were definitely sitting better than we ever did before. He used to make like 40,000 and now he makes like 80, 000. Of course bring home is less. And he has a previous son he doesnt see that gets 800 a month in child support. So were not like living great but much better. We have racked up like 30,000 in debt. Which i had none when we met and i am a FIRM believer if he would live within his means we would be fine. But ive always felt like his selfish money behavior never stoped. Once he got money he spent more. Video games became a huge problem. He would live in them once he got home and wouldnt mind spending our bill money on them and having total blow up fights every wrek. Now he has always fixed it one way or the other. With his good pay they quick loans gave him money or the small amount built in his 401k till the next time we would need it or so on. Everything is always paid. But the irresponsiblility and our fights to get there and even having to take loans to cover bills when his paycheck would have suficed has always made me furious.

At one point it got so bad i did leave him. For a whole day. . He had 2 3000 loans and wasnt changing his ways and we wouldnt have had rent. I am the money handler, the bill payer, and it stresses me out too much. So i left, emptied the house. I felt mad and sad and stupid for leaving over money and immediately took him back that night. We had to leave that bank, cancel the account inbetween all the debt trying to hit it. We opened a new bank and have ran from that debt. Over this course we have opened 10 credit cards in my name for our house, to get by, and 2 were just for me. Never maxed out but after years of seeing your partner get whatever they want and you get nothing, it gets to you. I wanted a way to be able to buy myself something every now and then too. The limits were 300, and never maxed out. Nothing crazy. But he doesnt take me on dates, doesnt buy me anything and i ALWAYS HEAR, i can spend whatever i want out of his pay. But if i truly ever did that, even $50 our bills wouldnt be paid because no matter what he was going to spend whatever he wanted. How could i justify buying myself something if we were in a weeks quick advance because he wont quit taking rhem so he can afford what he wants when he wants. And money aside , of course still fighting over our child. He has anger issues. Short temper. I was afriad to leave and have to share custody with him. He is 6 foot and im 4,11 but i couldnt count the times i thought he was too agressive towards our daughter and i went toe to toe ready to mess him up with a beating heart and pure fury in my eyes. A few times i did shove him and tell him to mess with someone who can defend there selfs. I am small but i can be scary. One time he lifted our 2 year old off the ground by her arm and whaled on her butt and "missed and hit her back" i went off on him and shoved him and he never has again. Its like the mama bear in me just lit up.

I am the opposite of violent. Ive never fought with exes like this. Ive never hit a person my entire life. Ive had 5 year relationships with one single argument and absolutely no violence. Now of course i didnt actually hurt my husband he is a big guy but he learned quickly this behavior is not going to happen. Its always a fight to this day i dont let him parent. And i make it so clear he is an ahole, he doesnt know his strength, beating kids is not TEACHING THEM. and i dont need his help. Period. And i think its sad. Ibwould love help parenting if it was the right kind. If i didnt think our child would have serious issues one day. I want a dad that uses words and teaches kids right from wrong and shows them life. Not be annoyed seeming by there existence. Ive waited years saying it will be better once she is older. It is. There is no violence and i know i can only thank myself for laying down that line its not happening. But there is inside rage, annoyance, avoiding our child. He calls in exhaustion from work. I call it not wanting to actually Be a dad.

And all these years and all these arguments and me trying to convince him he has anger problems has just gotten to me. Every time im on the brink of leaving, which he knows he does all the right things. He helps around the house, fakes being nice and not annoyed with our kid, doesn't spend money that week on video games. If ive been really laying down I just live here to serve you and take care of our daughter you don't take me anywhere or try to make me happy, he will force himself to go out once if I plan it all.

Now in the summer we do like drinking and hanging out outside and doing some projects here and there, he has to get plastered and I like drinking but not being drunk so I only have like one or 2 so a small buzz. It was fun a few years and now I feel like I almost look at him with disgust when hes stumbles or slurs and sometimes he gets emotional when he drinks and starts annoying me like hes probably drank too much. And im embarrassed to admit. After so many years of staying i did decide to have another kid with him and went off birth control. I went back to school and got my cosmetology license. We had less fights over money, less over our daughter because he did give up a lot of trying and the anger and just basically ignores her. I guess ive been telling myself if I wasn't leaving and every marriage has problems then I wanted to complete my family I wanted. I know ive said a lot of bad, but he does act like he will do whatever to please me, he doesn't cheat or go out to bars or go hang out with friends, he talks me up to everyone and says he knows he doesn't deserve me. He has financially always figured it out for our family. He does firmly mean I could go spend his whole paycheck today if I wanted even though I know I can't. I do enjoy drinking and doing house projects.

I know im not perfect. I do feel like I need to nag a lot. When I get angry at him for these things I do totally belittle his character while hes yelling like an idiot. and I have always been a runner when im not happy. If it wasn't for our child I know I would have left. And it doesn't matter what I do this man never wants to leave. Now I do think I am a good wife though. I take all responsibility but working full time. I do not go out, I dont have friends I see, I would never cheat or entertain anyone. Ive felt like locked in a box at home just being a good wife. So yes all of our problems aside i decided to continue trying to make another child even with the thought in the back of my mind it would end us.

We have had infertility for almost 3 years trying. Sometimes I think its because God knows we couldn't handle it. Our maybe my body can feel it just isn't right and its stopping it from happening. I became a little obsessed. I focused less on him and my dislikes for him and more on wanting this baby. But now after these years I feel like everything is settling in and im just at a loss. Mind you the entire three years we couldn't make it through 1-2 cycles without him doing stuff wrong and me becoming furious enough I was calling it all off. One month trying, and one month avoiding it at all cost. Just back and forth. Left the fertility specialist for a few months but stayed and it started weighing heavy on me again I wanted that other child. Started trying again. Just back and forth for three years. I feel at the end of dreaming for another child and I feel like im at the end of desiring my husband. I feel like every year has been another added brick of disliking him and us. Of feeling toxic and I just know I am not a toxic person. I am not an angry person. I just think we dont mix well.

Ive been afraid for years to leave for so many reasons and I always come back around to managing things but never feeling smitten and lucky to be here. Is this fix able ? Am I the problem for not letting things go, is he the problem for only doing good when there is a deadline. Right now asbi right this, this week he has been good trying not to lose me. Our daughter has been in school 115 days and it's the first time he got her ready for school. And yes he has been home every Monday and wendsday. Hes cleaning the house. Trying to make my morning coffee, agreed to go out to eat TWICE this month.. weve fought multiple times this month alone about his anger and tantrums is what I call them. When hes mad he has no filter. Ive tried so hard all these years to give my daughter a normal home but I am so concerned about our actual happiness. I wanted someone that brought light and happiness and goofiness to my home. Not such negativity. And at this point I have had my own salon for a year and 3 months. Ive probably made 15 000 which is like nothing and couldn't cover our bills. I could work 2 jobs because thankfully me and my mom have shared parenting for a long time now. I highly doubt I could afford my home and bills. It make me so sad to give up on my dreams of a family and 2 kids. I see single moms killing it and it truly inspires me. They are happy and thriving. But what do I do? Do I hold too much resentment, is it because im a runner, will I always want something that looks better then what I have. Would it really be more peaceful? He always says he has no complaints about me besides being hard on him and making him feel like crap about himself.

Tl;dr is it me, is it him for anger and behaviors