Anger over being made to blame myself, lost opportunities for justice

Will definitely be deleting this later but it’s on my mind lately. I guess I’m putting it out there.

At 15-16, I suddenly formed an alien impulse to demand my dad “feed” me by shoving his fingers in my mouth. I really had no idea why. It was embarrassing, obviously. His eventual reaction - “That only makes you look like a freak, you know that, right?” did no favors. Another time, I almost asked him to “help” take my clothes off.

Then, one night, out of nowhere, I had a nightmare that Dad coerced me into performing oral sex. He was initially jerking off, telling me this was because “I wouldn’t” (satisfy him).

That dream scarred me for months straight. After finally getting over it, telling myself dreams don’t mean anything, I had another one. This time “Dad” morphed into a man I recognized from preschool, midway through, telling me to be careful so we don’t get caught. I didn’t get it, though, and continued to blame myself.

To be clear, my real father was emotionally and mentally abusive. He, however, was not sexually abusive. Yet, the person from the second dream - “Father” (a priest) - did turn out to be sexually abusive. Please note I didn’t conclude this from dreams alone but an accumulation of evidence, including real-life memories and others’ testimonies, more than a decade later. By that time, he was too dead to get justice over. Thanks to my black-and-white-thinking parents, I blamed myself for “having bad thoughts” where I should’ve been taking action like the other victims.