Life Rant

What's keeping me going? I have no inspiration, have no interest, have no joy, no goal, no future, no hobby, got nobody. I don't know what I want. What I need. I'm not surviving. Not even living. What am I doing? waste of resources. Not happy. Not sad. Im nobody. A hypocrite, a walking contradiction, a paradox. Who am I? Fragments of everyone? No one? A Fake? Nothing of me is me. I don't know who I am. I don't like myself. Not planning to live till 18. I thought it will be over before I turn 18. I want??? It to be over? Years of sadness? Years of joy? Does my energetic happy self any real? The me who I show to everyone? Joyful energetic happy go lucky guy? I don't know that guy. I don't know me. Doesn't feel me. Is it who I am? trying to change but always go back to how it once was. Am I really trying? Or just acting? Ik there's no future for me. No point at all. Useless to everyone. Not a good son. bad sibling. Bad friend. unkind to stranger. Is there hope? Do I hope? I don't feel. I feel too much. Who am I to others? am I important? What they think of me? I care. I don't care. What a live. I'm smart. Always being number one in my grade. I'm stupid. I feel like i am left behind by everyone. I'm a narcissist. I'm better than others. I hate myself. Why am I ranting? Who cares. No point. No point. No point. I'm still going. do people think I'm weird and loud? Do they think I'm weird and silent? I want to live. Idont want to. Ill be better than myself right now. And I'm sinking deeper to the abyss. I thought I reach rock bottom. Instead I claw through the rock trying to get lower. Im kicking my leg trying to swim up. I dont know myself. who am I. How can I described myself without using name, age and appearance? how will all the one I care about describe me? do they hate me? I hate myself. do they love me? I also love myself. oh who am I? why do I live like this. nothing major/bad happened to me so why am I like this. why do I feel like this. I think too much. I don't think at all. I just live life following the flow and path it give. does that count as living? live your life to fullest. Ill try to change for the better. I think...