I dont believe, but i have so many questions

Ever since i smoked weed when i was in highscool, ive always been having out of body experiences, limiting my knowledge and memories about Christ. Ive been having major mental issues as if everyone on Earth was watching me (almost like the Truman Show). I even had to go to the mental ward a couple times because i was tripping so bad that i tried to take my own life. Im doing fine now, kind of. I still hear voices in my head telling me God isnt real, or something like everyone knows what ive done in my past. And after about 4 years now, ive had many questions about Christianity and religion. It just doesnt really make any sense logically, and seeing that an all powerful god would send me to a place of eternal suffering because of finite mistakes, it just kind of made me live in complete fear of the afterlife or my future. So i just cut it off entirely, i just want to live NOW and not worry about my future or how we even got here. I still have questions about it like, why are people who think critically or ask logical questions about this are immediately labeled as demons who are disrespecting God's judgment? Why would God only talk to certain people, and now we have to listen and blindly believe that what that person said is true? Why cant he talk to me directly? Im available 24/7. All the thoughts in my head are always either degrading who i am as a person, or just spewing out sentences that put fear in me. I dont understand anything, but id rather live in bliss and peace and not fear anymore.