8 ways to maximise your misery

1. Check your phone immediately after waking. Flood your brain with news designed to make you anxious and angry. 

2. Vary your bedtime constantly throughout the week. Give yourself jet lag without leaving your bedroom. 

3. Never be bored. Boredom might drive you to do something useful. Prevent this by letting a screen entertain you at all times. 

4. Compare yourself relentlessly to others. Never look back at how far you've come. Only far behind you are. 

5. Only count exercise if you hated it. Turn something humans did naturally for millennia into another metric to fail at.

6. Ignore all physical sensations. Your body is trying to talk to you. Don't listen. 

7. Let friendships decay through neglect. Tell yourself you'll reach out "when you're feeling better", knowing that feeling better requires the connection you're avoiding. 

8. Wait until you feel motivated. Don't start until conditions are perfect, spend your life waiting for a feeling that action creates.

(Obviously don't do any of these.)