i feel like im falling back into old patterns and i cant stop it

i was making progress, i was healing, but i feel like im drowning and some evil part of my brain wont let me tell someone. i had a therapy session yesterday i told myself i would tell her but just as i was about to i couldnt and said something else instead. anyone i get close to telling i just cant spit it out and i hate it, i hate it so much i need to tell someone but i cant. i havent been sleeping, i havent been eating, ive been quieter and when i do talk im mostly faking it. i dont know what happened i was fine a few days ago and suddenly it hit me like a brick memories flooded back in and i cant take it. how do i make it stop, how do i just spit it out?

ive come too far for this i used to shut down and stop telling people what’s going on but i stopped, i dont do that anymore so why am i shutting down again. i hate it i want to be done with this. ive done everything right ive gone to therapy, i let people in, i trusted again, i stopped shutting down. why cant it stop?