the main goal i have in my life gets further away everyday.

every single day, it keeps getting further and further away from me. when i first found out about it, i felt truely happy for the first time in a really long time. i finally thought i have found my purpose, and i just have to try really hard to achieve it. surely this will be no problem. i will try my hardest. and everyone (or at least everyone that matters) told me i was great. that i was right on the path. i was so close.

yet, as time passes, and i mean truely passes, in meaningful amounts, i feel further from it. its specially worsened these past few days. there have been new events that have just crushed my dreams and wishes. im not sure what to do anymore. i can keep trying like i have been up to this point, putting all my energy and love and care into achieving my goal, but i tried so hard up to this point only to get here.

you may think its no problem, so what, its such a small thing to most im sure. but before i find it i was so extremely suicidal. i had a full suicide planned, dates, a letter, the things id use, everything. but i discovered something amazing and i thought, maybe i will finally serve some purpose in this world. maybe i am good for something. specially because it was one of the first times that everyone i cared about was telling me i was doing great. i had never gotten so close to making everyone proud. i finally felt alive and like i had a purpose in life. it became what i thought of at all times. i tried to talk about it everytime possible, interact with it as much as i could, and obviously i was trying to reach this place as hard as possible anytime i could. when i was doing any unrelated task, i had to either multitask and do something related simultaneously or i would just be extremely disinterested and even dissociate.

now, i feel back at where i started. while i still feel motivated to try to reach my goal, with how i keep falling down the ladder instead of climbing it, it feels very useless. i find myself in the same depressed state, feeling like i dont have anything going for me, and that the ultimate goal i had found in life is impossible for me.

at least, in the past, i had an eating disorder, and weight loss something i looked forward to. but then, i was hospitalized, and i am now heavily monitored by everyone around me, so its not like i can look forward to that again. it almost feels worse than before now. i feel so stupid to say that. so many things have changed for the better since then. but i feel a pain i havent in a very long time. a pain that feels like being abandoned on the side of the street in the middle of a cold night.

i guess i just want somewhere to vent. im not sure if i will kill myself. i am not really allowed to. but i really want to. and its not like i would have to face consequences after my death, but everyone around me would, and i swear i care about them all more than i care for myself, so i cant be selfish either. its probably too selfish to even think of it as an option. i just feel alone again.